Thursday, December 15, 2011

Eventful... I Will Give It that

So the month of December never seems to disappoint... It brings out the best and the worst of people.. Today I will concentrate on the worst because I have PMS and it is my blog.  Suck it up buttercup- I am going to vent!
First on my list of gripes is the fact that Mackenzie has figured out the perpetual lie of Santa and the dumb Elf.  I have held my breath since November in hopes I could squeeze one more year of the yummy goodness that makes things magical in little people's eyes.  I know it is over played.. but this has truly been an Epic Fail.  Need proof?  Allow me to throw myself under the bus with a little something I like to call exhibit A.
My sleeping habits leave a lot to be desired most of the time, so every now and then I cave and pop a sleeping beauty pill ** COMMENTS TO YOURSELVES-I have warned each of you that I have PMS**- anyways most nights I get up out of bed and make the Elf do something bad when I know for SURE that the kids are asleep. MOST NIGHTS- but apparently not on a "Sleeping Beauty" night- I forgot.  Fast forward to morning and Mackenzie states "the elf is on the reindeer"..as I stand by the coffee pot trying to figure out if the daddy remembered ,I am afraid to turn around and look at her so I say *always on my toes- rolls eyes* "WOW- that is neat!".   A few hours pass and she strolls into the kitchen and leans over the island on her elbows and says "Who was suppose to make the elf do something?  You or Daddy?"  Now I ask all of you parents- how would you have handled this?  I took a deep breath because hyperventilating was a serious option at this point and said "me".   She stood up and said "THAT IS WHAT I THOUGHT!"  Conversation over, she walks out and leaves the deer in headlights still standing in the kitchen trying to recuperate and that is not the worst of it...
Now Santa is in serious jeopardy- and before I go any further I would like to publicly thank the little stool pigeons at school -that are singing like a canary to my seemingly innocent ten year old and squashing the magic like gum to a shoe, in an over packed parking lot of angry shoppers looking for killer deal on black Friday.  I now have to address an email I got from her wanting to know the "truth" about the jolly old guy.  She knows - I know she knows- She knows I know she knows- but saying "no- it was mom and dad- sorry" seems as hard as chewing on old leather.  So the defendant rest... Exhibit A.

Second is my husband actually tracks when I will be devoured by PMS on his blackberry.

I could probably come up with a few more items like my husband and my best friend moving my new car to make me think it was stolen, or my four year old telling me he is ashamed of me when I pull into car line with my music to loud, seems this is "unacceptable".  Blah Blah Blah..
Eventful.. and only day 15 :)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

All Aboard.. The Train Of Thought

You know that kid that has a lot to say... a million questions... or just idle chatter when nothing is on his mind?  Well, that is my Walker.  I would love to say this is a "phase" he is going through but I am afraid it is not.  Walker is the "second" child and as most moms know this is the kid you do not push to  do anything... and of course, this is the kid that was a head of all the benchmarks in childhood.  He was taking steps on teeny, tiny feet well before his first birthday and running when he turned one.  My little over achiever was making sentences when other children were learning "words" as commands.  He picked up the nic name "Walker Talker" as a young toddler.  That said, he has fine tuned this social skill to a perfect art.   If his feet are moving, well you can bet his mouth is too.  SKILL- I tell ya!

Our conversations can cover anything from "we live on the planet EARF", fossils are what dinosaurs turned into and he wished he could pet one,  He sure does love cream cheese and oatmeal cookies but sister doesn't, they are different- everybody is different...he wonders "why"... blah blah blah.. infact, as I type this and have zero train of thought he is  now concerned about the skin on his hands that feels kinda "weird" and it is killing him.. ahem... ZERO TRAIN OF THOUGHT.. but I have learned I can get by most days without the train.. MOST DAYS!

In an effort, to keep my sanity on the days I need to catch the train, I have found that "tuning" him out works sometimes.  I love that he is inquisitive and NEEDS to know that very second whatever is on his mind.  JUST some days.. it is a bit much.  He has learned the "glass eyed" look and will pipe up and octave or two louder and say " I asked you a question- rude!" when he does not get a timely response.  Yes, he is a pro at his skill.   I answer what ever he needs to know and he continues on with his dissertation.  I will tell him to "hush" or "be quiet", I often throw in a "shhhhhhh baby" - it hardly ever works because of his dire need to know now mindset.

All that said, last week was a particularly busy day for his mouth and finally I broke and told him to "SHUUUUUTTTTT UPPPPP".   Now I am not proud of saying this to him but I too, am human.  He paused for a brief 10 seconds and gathered his composure then with doughy eyes and the most precious sing song voice he said " uh oh -Somebody's gonna get a frownin face"...  *SIGH*  Can't win- his mouth is a weapon and either cracks me up so I lose my composure as the authority figure around here.. ahem... or it teaches me a lesson.  What is the lesson you ask?  I will always be the caboose :)

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Vintage

The word "Vintage" gets thrown around a lot these days.  People use it when referring to high dollar couture, fabulous furniture, perfect cars, lovely handbags and kick em' ass shoes.  I myself, love the look of older things and appreciate them.  HOWEVER, I was toodlin' around the mall a week or so ago and I saw a t-shirt.  It read "1971 VINTAGE"... WHAT? *thoughts to self- "ok, no need to panic- let me get out my spectacles and make sure I am reading this right" - YEP- reading it right*   Dude, that is the year I was born!  Does that make me "vintage"?   sigh...
Let's review possible incidents that would "throw" me in the hurdles of midlife aka make me vintage-
I will indeed be forty in less than two calendar months.  Forty, it comes fast and she is an evil witch.  You may feel twenty mentally, you may dance to Lady Gaga as you swiffer, you may enjoy the latest fashions- but the body knows different.  Gravity is cruel- no further explanation is needed on this point.  Dinners start to migrate earlier.. 4:00 seems perfectly reasonable to me- so I can lay down by 7:30 or so and rest my bones.  When people call at 8:30, I immediately think "Do they know what time it is?, better be important".  You think you have been there, done that- only the details are impossible to remember.  Life is funny that way.  I like the fact that the biggest joke of all is that my dearest friends have entered the "oh NO zone".. a little earlier than I have and have had the opportunity to find out just which vitamins, support hose and unmentionables are suitable for a woman of age.  So as the days pass and I become weak in the knees- I think I will toss out the welcome mat and embrace the changes that life brings. I feel blessed and I will work in all the other acronyms I previously used to describe the wonder of "Vintage".  Yes, if we are lucky, we will all eventually be a fabulous, lovely, kick em' ass "Vintage" glasses wearing, hair dying, vitamin popping, 60 minutes watching work of art.
Have a great day- whipper snappers!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Collins Report

So it has been a while since I have grabbed a chair and let thoughts flow... and since my last posting A LOT has happened.  Let's break it down...
Walker has been enrolled in Tee-Ball.  It is a HUGE deal around here... since according to him it is one step from being a Pro Player.  I let him believe this.. who am I to sqwash a Four year old's dream... One of my oldest friend's husband is the coach so Walker is familiar with him... but he still has his questions re: Mr. Evan's ability to take him forward in his career.  One day we were headed to preschool and we were chatting about ball.. he asked " So mom, Is "Eban" the real coach or is he the Vampire?" *** Those closest to me know I have a sick fascination with the Undead.. this comment alone made me wonder if my strange addiction could have seeped into the womb with its friends Sweet Tea and Potatos*** I shrugged off my inner commentary to answer his question " Walker, Evan is the Coach- he is not the UMPIRE"- sigh- I am pretty sure that is what he meant to say and it got lost in his four year old vocabulary.
Yes, I said Four.  Little dude had a birthday much to my chagrin.  Things seem the same except on his actual birthday he needed to report the fact that he can now run a little faster.  Well, Sure!  The all important "run-faster" milestone has been reached- take that Growth Charts!  (ahem- 7th percentile in height- bless him)

Today Kenzie and I celebrated our 9th year together- Adoption is a such a blessing.  That said-Mackenzie and I have had a fantastic day playing hooky!  We have shopped till we dropped at the stores of her choice.  When we needed more fuel, we stopped and ate our way thru Mexico or so it seemed when the dishes were bare!  It is impressive the amount of chips and salsa we can consume in one sitting.  I don't write often about my priss because she is almost ten and I tend to embarrass her... but today I will make an exception because she is just too fabulous not to include in the report.  While we were tootlin' around and bonding over girl time, I decided to make sure she understood how awful smoking is and that if I ever see her with a cigarette I will kill her faster than the smokes.  I explained it is filthy,expensive and dangerous.  It is something I am not proud of but I am addicted.  I told her it all started when I was with an ex-boyfriend in high school.  I thought I was cool.   Here is the short of the long:
Mackenzie- "YOU had a boyfriend?"
Me- ( while thinking WTH?)  "Yes- I had a boyfriend.. more than one but who is counting"
Kenz- "more than ONE?"
Me- " Well Sure"
Kenz- " Before you and daddy got married- was he your boyfriend?"
Me-  " Of course- you have to date before you get married unless you want me to arrange something for you"
Kenz- Blank stare
Me- " I am kidding- you have to date and have boyfriends before you fall in love and get married"
Kenz- "I thought a boy just said  let's get married"
Me-  "Kenzie, your sense of romance is only rivaled by your dads"
Kenz- Blank stare returns
Me- "Well, would you look at the clock.. time to get brother"
*** What would really make her brains flip inside out is IF she knew the ex-boyfriend I was talking about turned into my EX- husband-  decided to let that skeleton stay hidden for another day -***
Did I mention I love spending time with my girl... she is fantastic and entertaining to a fault.

Since the post is growing quickly... I will save the updates of the adults in this household for another day... but never fear.. we have been pretty busy too! What with Valentines and a new property in the gulf... the fiasco's just keep coming...

Have a pleasant evening!  Be Safe

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Unmentionables

So over the past month or so I have been on a quest to find the ultimate "unmentionable".... I have found as 29 and holding approaches,.. I need a super suit. (Girls- you know this is a correct statement)   This perfect undergarment must not only lift and look natural... It must lift, look natural, not produce back fat, be smooth under t-shirts, create a perfect silhouette  (As much as I do enjoy Madonna- a few of her unmentionables would put your eyes out- it is a safety concern) keep cleavage intact and out of my throat,  be bounce free, comfort is of the upmost importance and NOT look like an old lady let me borrow hers. I would also like it to be economical, because if such a super suit existed.. the ones in the drawer would have to be thrown away. It is a lot to ask of a small undergarment.  But I have no shame in asking it- see a need- someone fill a need!  I am pretty sure no such thing exist.. but it should.  We can send a man to the moon, create medicine in a petri dish, wash dishes in an electrical cube, and track a package across the world with a few clips on a keyboard... why can't we create an unmentionable that works?  So I call on you Playtex, Bali, Victoria- heck I would even consider you Fredrick... create something that works.  Once you have a solution- prove it.. prove it with models that have real oobies and not the ones that defy gravity at the age of 90... It is the ultimate challenge-  One that 50% of the population would benefit from (a huh- it is that SERIOUS)....Game On!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Mystical Unicorns

So no longer fearing that I will tarnish the imagine that I live with shiny, mystical unicorns that enjoy tap dancing to the song "On The Goodship Lollipop" down the yellow brick road, in hopes of finding the brilliantly colored rainbow so they can frolic in the pot of gold... I gotta tell ya-

During the summer months, when the kids are home, most days are stress free.  Why?  Well, we have the luxury of a pee free,private pool in our backyard.  When things get a little "iffy", I soak everyone down in spf 50 and truck on out the back door.  We get some exercise, we soak in the sun and enjoy the afternoon with the grand finale-....wait for it...... Popsicles.  Oh yea, it is a huge deal.

Unfortunately, during the winter months, when the kids are home for over two weeks... this is NOT the case.  It is cold and/or wet.  We are all couped up for the most part and tempers flare.   Let me go ahead and debunk the myth that Cage Fighting is basically a Vegas attraction.   My house, located in Smalltown, Alabama is now an elaborate arena - or cage.   We have encounter the following but not limited too altercations-
A fist "accidentally" landed in someone's face
A foot was in the "way" and tripped someone
A cry because someone was laughing at the other one
A fit because someone didn't throw the game and let the other person win "again"
Accusations that someone hurt someone's feelings
Hair pulling
Stomping
Running from across the room and jumping on an innocent person...
and so on and so on and so on!
Our little guinea pig, Porkchop is indeed a "slut animal".  We know this because one morning we found two additional little (adorable) fur balls in her condo.  I witnessed the husband, squatting down in front of the said "slut animal's" house, while bobbing and weaving his head to ask her "Who Your Baby Daddy?".  ahem.......  We have had several serious issues to address that would shake even the strongest of foundations.   Toss in a couple major holidays and overeating during the past weeks.... and YES, What I have described is...
SEASON ONE- JERRY SPRINGER.   Am I embarrassed?  Well, Yea!  Fresh out of Unicorns.

As each day comes to an end, we have what you might call a routine, or structure.... or Rut we all follow.  Let me give you the highlights-
Mackenzie, being the loving child she is, gives out her sweet hugs and I love you's to everyone including the tiny terror that has made her life miserable that day.  She heads on up the stairs to her room to soak in a little quiet.  I allow her to watch an hour or two of Disney Channel and/or read a book each night.   I feel she needs this.  Now, Kenzie  with being the smart cookie that she is and housing so much Moxy in a little person's body, I feel it is safe to say she is also building a battle plan for the upcoming combat she will surely face with her brother when the sun comes up.  Safe Bet!

Now, when it comes to Walker- it is the same script.
Me- " Walker, here is your binkie (brushing the hair off his brow), let's get you all snuggie in this bed"
Walker- ( HUGE, innocent eyes looking up) "I yoves you, mommy.... I will sees ya in the morning..... good nights.... I will miss you- so, so, so much"
Me- "You know I love you to the moon and back... and that is a long, long way.  I will be here when you wake up sweet angel"
You would think that would be the grand finale of the day - but nope, the chatter then begins.  We have to discuss what he liked and didn't like during the day.   He tells me he is soooo "Haun-gree".  I tell him "no" at first, but always give in since he is a whopping 32 lbs and I can not stand the thought of him actually being hungry.  After an hour of I need water, I gotta go potty, and chilling conversation.. he falls a sleep.
EXCEPT-  one night this past weekend he tossed me a curve ball.  Call it children's intuition... but he knew what I needed..
Me- "Walker here is your binkie,  let me get you all snuggie in this bed."
Walker-(Same beautiful eyes looking up) "Mommy, I yoves you to the moon and back and you say that is a big, big way"
Me- (leaning in to kiss his forehead) " Walker, I  do love you to the moon and back and it is a big, big way!  I think you are so awesome"
Walker- " I think you are awesome too mommy"
and he rolls over.  What no chit chat?  No food request?  Just peace... PEACE!
Welcome back shiny, mystical unicorns... I MISSED YOU!

Time Lapse 15/20 minutes...
Mackenzie enters the room.."Mommy my stomach hurts"   and POOF!  Damn Unicorns are GONE!


Have a great day! :)



Monday, January 3, 2011

When All Seems Lost

You know I think Mr. Gump was onto something... let me explain-
Last night, I piled up in the bed with a box Whitman's Chocolates... I knew the first of the year means to straighten up my eating habits that have turned all willy nilly over the past few months... so I thought I would eat all temptations in one sitting (I know- genius)... and while I was biting into each little piece of chocolate it hit me like a TON of bricks.  Mr. Gump was correct in listening to his momma.  Life is like a box of chocolates and unfortunately most of the little pieces SUCK.   Bad attitude?  Perhaps...but I am working on it... see below

I sent a post out on New Year's stating I was shutting my blog down-  I have received A LOT of emails as to why.... Well, I have thought long and hard about this.  This is a personal topic, I would normally not share.  Cade has encouraged me to talk to my friends.  I was somewhat reluctant to do this... I still am.  In all fairness there are two sides to every story.  Talking would perpetuate a problem or make him seem like some rabid animal chewing out my heart- which he is NOT.  So I have decided to return to what I have always done at one point or another in my life and that is to write it down.  It is therapy.  I made a huge error in judgement shutting it out.  If something brings you joy, you should never feel you don't deserve it.  So let me explain-

My marriage, like all marriages has had its ups and downs. I will not get into details.. but I can tell you this- never hide from your problems... it makes everything worse. That said- There comes a point and time when someone has to quit sweeping the issues under the carpet and make waves.  I have made waves and for over a week, I had a large hole in my lifesaving device. So....  We have argued, I have cried and we have made knew vows to each other in an attempt to correct the error of our ways.  As I pull up my big girl panties to move forward and not be a quitter... I am thankful for this outlet. May the post be funny or true life.  I need to write.  I need to document.. I need the therapy.
So thanks for reading- and I wish us all happiness and contentment.  It's important.  Being a parent doesn't mean giving up yourself.  It doesn't mean you live with regrets or the feeling you owe someone for your life.  Being a stay at home mom doesn't make you less important  - If anything- It makes you a hero to the little people in your lives.
Hugs,
Jennifer