It's Large, It's Pink And He Is Driving Around Town With It

Remember the Swag... ummm yea.  Ok, So I got another email "offering" up a few more goodies.  Well- I'll take it.  This time it had one of those "HUGE" magnets that attach to a car door.  OH, Say it ain't so... I must have one of those.  So I ordered it.  Free, of course.  Immediately my mind goes to work thinking of a diabolical plan to embarrass those around me... I could simply place it on my car door  (snooze- Boring!)... or I could stick it to the front of the golf cart and drive to the mailbox with it (blah)... OR I could place it on the passenger side of the HUSBAND's Truck door.  Did you notice I said "passenger's side"?...uh huh... now your with me.  He will NOT see it... no telling how long he could potentially drive around with a billboard on the side pimping my site.  Oh, it is a beautiful plan.  One for the books.

I began stalking the front door every afternoon waiting for my potential "plan" to arrive.  The pacing, the impatience that was mounting - day after day around 2:00 I did this dance.  Finally, a brown beautiful box with my name on it arrived. WOOHOO!  I carefully opened the package to inspect the magnet of fun.  PERFECT!  Now, I had to sneak it down the stairs, out the garage door and stick that sucker on the side of his vehicle.  It could have been tricky, especially with the little guy.. but I bribed him with a hot wheels (to buy his silence). Hot Wheels are an effective form of currency with a three year old little boy.

** thinking to self...why do I look for things that will shake the apple cart?... because it is fun!  Am I setting a bad example for my children?  nah...  Could I get a call one day reporting they got caught rolling someone's yard?  OK- that one is possible... but the threat is not enough to stop me with my advertising scheme**

At this point, the husband is clueless.. it has been done... he is driving around with a LARGE, PINK Magnet on the side of his man ride.  Will he read this post?  Yea, he will.. too little too late... ( Evil Laugh Inserted Here) Do I fear he will kill me?  Not a chance,  he likes clean underwear...

Meet The Dippers

So I said I would not write about this... but I gotta tell ya... it is too good not to share.
Here is the story-
Today I received a phone call from a close girlfriend.  Because I value our friendship, I will most definitely change the names... We will call her Tiffany. We were tight when we were in school, so it warms my heart that we are still in touch with each other after 20 years.  It is special ( stares up and takes a pause to appreciate this rare gift).
So let me tell ya a little about Tiff.  She is a hard worker, a loving mother and wife.  Tiff is also a funny little character, her sense of humor is priceless.  She is beautiful.  Tiff's heart is huge and because of this... we have a perfect little tale to tell.... ( oh it's good and there is a lesson in it- yep, a twofer).
A short time back she was at the ballpark and a woman walked up with a tiny little puppy.  Now, true to form, Tiff made a comment of how adorable it was and asked if it was a great pyrenees.  The woman explained to Tiff that she actually found the puppy.  She continued on how the pup was eaten up with fleas and was in a fine mess... but she bathed her and made attempts to get the little darling back on track.  Then the woman went in for the kill... She saw that Tiff was a perfect target... she asked her if she wanted the little dog.  SIDE NOTE- MOVING FORWARD we will refer to Tiff as "Sucker"....
So my friend Sucker, called her husband to tell him about the pup and basically tell him they are about to have another addition to their family farm ( its not a barn farm.. it's a ... oh they are so cute... let's take it home farm.. Tiff, I mean Sucker does not discriminate..they have chickens, goats, cats and dogs.. possibly an elephant and hoot owl since I hung up the phone with her this afternoon).  So her husband apparently gave in and the dog now has a new home.
Sucker worked on nursing the little dog back to health.. but something was not right and she was not eating.  So.... allow me to say upfront... No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.... her husband took the pup to the vet and found it had a urinary infection.  But that is not all folks, the visit turned out to be quite educational.    Allow me to share this knowledge with you.  Apparently there are two types of mange.  The kind dogs get that stays within their own species... and the kind that can spread to humans... (you with me?).   YEP.... again, no good deed goes unpunished.  He called to break the news, but before he could bring himself to tell her they may all need to get dipped ( ok- I added that for effect)... he rattled off a grocery list of things they MUST get immediately.
 Here is the list:
Clorox Spray
Lysol Spray
Clorox Wipes
Lysol Wipes
Clorox
Lysol
Yep, pretty much everything in the clorox and lysol product line needed to be had... quickly, post haste, pronto, NOW!
Now.... Like I said, Tiff has a great sense of humor... she has too.. because she chose to tell ME, of all people.. about this little hellish nightmare she is living.  She has washed her hands till they are raw.. but she has not given up on that puppy. ( Let's all take a moment to reflect on that humanity)... I, in turn, did not want to disappoint her.  I wanted to offer her some support and understanding... So I told her the only thing I knew to do..... it's sage advice...Get everyone flea collars.
There is a lesson here folks and it has nothing to do with mange... ( drumroll please)
 Pick your friends wisely


** I love ya Tiff...**

The Prize Patrol

Ed McMahon?  No, the mommy prize patrol is what I am referring too.  I have stash.  It consist of hot wheels, stickers, coloring books and dollar tree finds from here, there and everywhere.  It is important to have on hand.  I use this stash as a method to gain control of the household.  Parenting 101- can't beat em' - Bribe em'.  It works when needing to administer medicines, when company is coming and most importantly- I need a minute to get something done.

Now, some may not agree with my methods and when I was childless.. I was one of them.  I was under the impression - kids were to be seen and not heard.  Silly me... I actually believed what the older generation said.  I think however, after further evaluation, they had their own secret stash of wooden trains, slingshots and rabbits feet for an emergency situation with the youngens'.   Judge me if you want.. it makes no difference too me.  I do what I have to do too survive.  It is based on instinct.  No different than carrying bandaids, neo-to-go, wipes and a sippy cup at all times.  It is part of the mommy arsenal.

Why is this fresh on my mind this morning.. well along with the sock demon that has reemerged (see past post if you missed this part of our struggles), I also wanted to paint freckles on Walker's face this morning.  The kids in his class are dressing up as farmers.  Last year he let me when he was Woody for Halloween.  This year he doesn't think it is soooo cool.  But I was determined... so I reached into the stash.  Magically- an army man allowed me to proceed with my child's humiliation.   Harmony is restored and I have ONE CUTE FARMER... check him out!

 So... Who is brave enough to admit they take part in this parenting..ahem...  lack- there-of SKILL?

The Magic Box

Ok- I am not sure if it is JUST my lovely family or if this is an epidemic sweeping America.  I can't be positive that there isn't a medical condition linked to my "half-assitus" others that reside in our humble abode.   What is so serious, you ask?   Well, I'll tell ya...They can not seem to locate or use the laundry hamper.  So after spending an hour in the "laundry room" and cussing to myself over the mess that keeps piling up, I made a decision.  I will take the time to make formal introductions.  I feel, ( sighs loudly) if I do this one at a time rather than in a herd, I have a better chance of success. I will have all their undivided attention in this matter so we can discuss their fears and what is causing the need to be nasty.
The conversations-
Me- Mackenzie!
Kenz- MAM
Me- I need to talk to you, come down here.
Kenz- OK- Just a minute ( me thinking- what could be so important that she would tell me just a minute-  I am the Empress... granted the Empress that is SICK of stepping on Nasty underwear, left in the bathroom after baths.. but I am still the Empress no less)
Me- NOW Kenzie
Kenz- ok- ok- ok... clunks down the steps ( I can't be sure but she could have been imitating an elephant- it was so loud)
Me- Now follow me-  Mackenzie, I would like to introduce you to a modern marvel.  Most call it the Laundry hamper- we will refer to it as the "mommy magic hamper box".   Once you place your clothes in there... MAGIC will happen.  It could take a day or two... but the magic is no less impressive.  The clothes will "hop" out of there into the machines and become April fresh for the next wearing.  ( I open my eyes wide to show how amazing this is- for effect).   IF- YOU CHOSE NOT TO USE THE MAGIC BOX- your clothes will then end up in the floor of YOUR room- so you can step on Nasty underwear.  ( shew- HARSH)
Kenz- stares at me blankly- "so basically, you want me to put the dirty stuff in the hamper after I take a bath or you will throw them in my room?"
Me- Yes
Kenz- Ok and walks off
NOW Walker-
Me-Walker, Do you think you can put your dirty clothes in the "magic hamper box" after you take a bath?
Walker- YES-  ( mmmm that was easy)
I feel satisfied with this effort so far... but I have YET to tame the real beast... He is rebellious by nature. HE will suck every ounce of energy I have in trying to implement the (old) now new again rule.  Do I have it in me today to fight this gnarly beast... NOPE- I sure don't.  SO I will just have to do the following (on the sly of course)...
 The man cave is GROSS... I have had to make sure our children are up to date on all their shots before they can venture down there.... SO.... because it is an abomination... he will NEVER notice that the dirty clothes keep ending up on his floor.  I will allow him to think his manly ways have backfired on him.  He will in turn, bring the clothes up... I will toss them back down.  SOONER or LATER he will figure out the "magic hamper box" on his own.... oh yea- I got his number and I know how to WORK the system.  IF he thinks it is "his idea"... he will abide by the rule.  Happy Washing All!

It Is High Praise! Thanks Charlotte

I like to read.  I like to write.  I like to laugh.  Am I always grammatically correct?  Heaven's NO.    Do I stick commas here, there and everywhere. Yep- I sure do.  Do I get intimidated every time I post an update for fear others will think I am an uneducated Bimbo?  Pretty much. Do I worry I will offend others?  Most of the time (see Bimbo remark).  Do I want others to like my ramblings?  It is high on my list of wants to be perfectly honest.  I write because it makes me happy.  I could stick it all on paper and tuck it away in a shabby, worn out journal...that is an option.  An option that has worked for many, many years.
Why am I telling you this?  Well, because today I was handed a complement.  No, that is an understatement, I was compared to Erma Bombeck.  You realize, that is better than being compared to Mother Theresa.  Well, it is for a mommy blogger, I can promise you that.  Do you know who she is?  She was an American Columnist/Author that found humor in life and made a career off the observations of her family in suburbia.  Her humor was "timeless" because she based it on relationships and everyday aggravations.   Here is a quote from her "What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?"    Sounds like something I would say... doesn't it?
Now, I was not told this "directly".  In my family that is not necessary.  Our grapevine is strong and rather impressive... so I know it is on the up and up.  That said I would like to publicly thank Charlotte...I wish I was better prepared for a thank you speech...(looks from side to side and reaches into bra to pull out a crinkled piece of paper)
Ahem...
Sweet Charlotte,
This is so unexpected.  I can never thank you enough for making me smile and encouraging me to continue on with something I truly love.  Up until a few moments ago, I was having a "kinda" bad day... I woke up and an xl top was tight.  It made me grumpy... but then .... then ... you happened.  I wanted to say... "thanks and you humble me"... I mean , you didn't humble enough to stop writing about how great you think I am... but I think "humbled" comes in levels... ( clears throat mmmhmmm) ...Don't you?   ( giggle).
All kidding aside... Thank you Charlotte...(and your check is in the mail..)

Everybody Wants...

So this day has been a day full of  "I wants".  NOT little "I wants" ....the motherload "I wants". ... First, it was Walker.  He feels he needs a "baby sista"... I tried to explain to him that is not the greatest idea and she would take his toys. (Toys are pretty sacred when your three- I figured it would work)  He continued to say.. "put ones in your tummy, yike Tyler's mommy".  Ok- I am going to stick to my original response.. uh "no thanks- do you really want to share your cool toys with someone that will chew on them?".  He doesn't give up ( my kid is no quitter)- "It would be so gweat! I could give hers milk in a bottle.  I would yet her sweep wiff me and hers would yike the cwone wars ( ahem- clone wars). Can we have one?"  I am sticking to my guns.. "No Walker".  He continues so I give up and say " Ask your daddy"?  He is good with this answer.  He drops it and we continue to color the masterpiece we were working on before he decided to knock the wind out of my sails.
Time ticks and I am cooking dinner, in walks the husband.
He begins.."You know, didn't you like the hummer we saw?" (immediately I think he is being CRUDE, so I crinkle up my nose and turn away from him- landsakes! What is he talking about?)  Then I realize he is serious and he has his eye on a NEW CAR.  Here we go again,  I respond  "ummm no".  He continues "I could clean out my side of the garage and pull my truck in there- then we could park the Hummer in the Trucks spot".   ( I refuse to get mad- BUT ARE YOU FREAKIN' Kidding me- I just gave UP my car for the greater good and this bozo wants to buy an overpriced Army Vehicle that drinks oceans of gas)   I finally say " no thanks".  ( I feel like I just had a similar conversation with another male in this family not too long ago) I breath- and breath again.. He starts to talk about it a little more... I ask "why do you need three cars?"  He continues his sells pitch... ( I have allowed my mind to wonder to a field of lovely lilies and butterflies)  THEN Walker chimes in.. "daddy- I wants a baby sista".  ** Mackenzie turns around in horror!** Amazing how that little ( HUGE) request changed the subject in record time... thanks Walker- I owe you a hot wheels.

3-1=2

The math is simple.  We learned it in kindergarten, Three minus one equals two.  I however, had no idea how this simple problem could make the husband so very happy and enlightened.
Here is the story:
This past weekend the husband said "I don't think we need three cars.  I am going to sell mine."  Well, I could not agree more.  We do not need three cars.  The conversation was dropped for a few hours and then I got to thinking.  My mommy wagon is the one that needs to go.  Over the past month or so it has been falling apart, little by little.  The side mirrors are drooping, the right blinker works when it wants too, the breaks squeak, the steering is a fight, just small stuff for the most part but the writing is on the wall.  It will be a Money Pit in our future. Not to mention, it is an open argument for me and the husband- example given:
Me- Hey, it's me
The Husband- Hey me
Me- Just wanted to tell you my car is "clunking" before I forget to say something.
The Husband- What do you mean "clunking"?
Me- I don't know "clunking".
The Husband- Well, you have to tell me what you think it is.
Me- If I knew what it was, I would fix it or tell you.
The Husband- ( sighing- loudly)- I will drive it when I get home.
** That evening he drives the car and is gone for several minutes**
The husband-  I didn't hear a problem
Me- Well, It has one.
The husband- I listened and there is NO knocking.
Me- Of course there is no knocking.. I said it was "clunking"...
BOTH SIGH and he turns to leave the room.
This is my exhibit A.  Fights in the future surround the mommy wagon.
Back to this past weekend-
I told him if a car should go, I will put mine on the chopping block.  We talked about it and it made sense.  Mine was the oldest, had the most miles and because it was a "certain" make it would bring in the most money.  The husband then offered up his car as well.  He said "if you see something on the lot- we can get a quote for mine, trade them both in and get a NEW car".  Ok, that sounds tempting- very, tempting.
Fast forward to Monday morning-
We drive our cars to a local car mart and start to browse.  Honestly, I could not see anything that was worth the extra expense when his car is a large sedan and more importantly, it is PAID for.   I told him this and he acted all "cool" about it.  We sold my car and headed home.  We chatted about how it was the right decision.
It was time to pick up the little dude (side note- if you continuously call a 3 year old the "little dude" out of habit, he will in turn call you the "little mommy".. isn't that charming?  roll eyes).  The husband headed downtown to get some work done.  
A few hours later, he called.  He was elated because in addition to the check from car mart, we would be getting a refund from the insurance company and MOVING forward we would save about 500 bucks each year for dumping the mommy wagon.  I agreed that is "great" news.
Last night-
The husband came home a little late, but he was still in a peppy mood.  His first comment  and I quote "My wife is genius".  ( mmmm its a trick- tread lightly woman)  He continued to say that I was the topic of conversation with all the men folk today.  Obviously, I am a captivating and fascinating creature now.  It appears to is hard to believe that I would leave a car lot with a check instead of giving them one.   Really?  Common Sense can make you a mythical creature in the eyes of men when it comes to putting money in their pockets.  I just thought I was saving the "family" a buck by driving an existing vehicle.  Well, Whatever it takes to prove my point. The husband now understand and believes what I have been trying to tell him for over seven years - I am a genius.  My work here is done.

Random Ramblings and Rocking On A Paper Guitar

So It has occurred to me that I am way behind on my Holiday planning.. I realize it is October, but I like to have it DONE by now.. or almost done.  There is something so satisfying about decorating the tree and having all your goodies, wrapped and ready to place beautifully under the glorious tree.  It is so freeing- you can actually enjoy the holidays without the worry of having to "GET ER' DONE".
So over the past three days, since Walker wanted to go to preschool.. I made a decision to start the punch list, hit the punch list and pull out the 75% off wrapping paper I picked up in January to make it happen.   My first stop, Walmart of course... I am NOT a fan of the retail giant.. but when buying in "bulk"... it has its place.  Mackenzie is my difficult child to buy for.. she doesn't like dolls ( I KNOW-the heart break is continuous with children).  I wandered up and down the toy aisles... searching for something she might actually play with... NOTHING... NOTHING... and NOTHING.  OH dude.. my worst fear- she has really outgrown this section.  Then it happened, good ol' DENIAL!  I picked up a barbie... a fashion barbie..not a bratz.  I do not allow hooker toys in this house.  It's the rule.  I placed the Barbie in the top part of the cart.. this is my "possible" section, not to be confused with the large bottom section that is the "the husband is going to be mad" section.   I strolled on a little more and stopped short at an item they were trying to PASS off as a
 lovable baby doll....  WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?


  Well, I'll tell ya.  Apparently, they are part of the new Mattel collection called "Monster High".  Now, I am a huge fan of Vampires and the super natural.. don't get me wrong (Team Edward over here) but I am having a hard time figuring out how this could be anything less than down right scary. ( dramatic pause inserted here) Think about it-  in the middle of the night ,when a little girl looks over and sees those buttons where eyes should be, glaring at her. Puts a new spin on monsters under your bed. Your thoughts?  Here's mine (drum roll please)
 I guess ghouls just want to have fun too... (thank you , thank you ** takes a bow**)
Anyways... I shook off that horror and found paper guitars.  Yes, paper guitars.  I have glanced at them before and thought they were about the dumbest thing I have ever seen... but this time wally world had a demo set up.  Now, it is the middle of the week... it's not crowded.  Nobody in the toys... YEP- I rocked out.  FUN FUN FUN!    It is quite possible two made it into the large portion of the cart.  I can not confirm or deny this statement because I have stool pigeons in this family that tend to sing like canaries... innocently  (sighs) is the consensus among the majority of us.. ( yea - sure- ocean front property yada yada ) My pigeon might also allow Mackenzie to read today's post.  I can't be too careful.  This is TSS- top secret stuff.
Side note: it really stinks when kids can read and spell- It sure can cut out a lot of interaction between me and the husband. For example- I might be talking to him and say "so I was at Publix today and this woman behind me was huffing and a puffing when she saw my stack of coupons-now you know me husband, I asked her if she was in labor or just a big * I T C H"  - *itch is the word I would have spelled... see, I know that is just plain UGLY and uncalled for.  I don't spell anymore and I try to think kindly of all people having a bad day except when I am having a bad day.. then it is what it is and everything is fair game. All these changes were required because the eldest can spell and read.  Yea, its the pits. ahem... No need to add lipstick to this pig.
So did I get a jump on Christmas shopping?  You bet, I am over half way done!  I punched the list... and I care NOT to go in another store for at least 48 hours... That my friends is HUGE!

Holy Moly- I've Got Swag

 How COOL is this?
Now first let me say, when I opened the front door today I did the pee pee dance when I saw the box.    I knew what was in it ( giggling with excitement) - It was my SWAG and it was CHEAP!    Need a business card, I got it covered.  Having a bad hair day?  I have a hat.   Do your keys need a cute accessory?  I got a keychain.  Need to make a quick note of what coupons I need to print?  I got a notepad.  Need something to write it down with?  I got a pen.  Need to carry all your self promoting, shameless swag around?  I got a tote.  Want to walk around pimping your own website? I got a shirt.
I know, it is a bit much.  I am small time.  I am a mommy blogger.  I wipe boogas and keep dishpan hands.    That is why it is SOOOO freakin' awesome!  ( still grinning)
Why? See I love a deal.  I also love a deal when there is humor and self indulgence as a bonus.
Here is the story:
One day last week, ( quick service -huh?) I was reading some of my deal hunter blogs.  One of the girls posted this company that obviously likes to give things away for FREE and as best I can tell they have no issue with it.  Crazy?  ummm I thought so, but WHO am I to judge crazy.  I sat down and picked me out a housewife logo and played with the print.  I thought I was just getting business cards, but since I am a computer genius ahem... I started poking around and there was all kinds of goodies ripe for the picking.  So I picked the low hanging fruit, added a few things to offset the shipping and 20 bucks later while honestly holding my breath over this too good to be true offer ... I got a BOX full of goodies.  Now did I "need" to spend the $20 dollars?  No, of course not, but I gotta tell ya... this little brown box has made my day.  I will also tell ya this, if I can figure out a way to produce more with nominal fees- my children will be walking advertisements...

Breaking The Law...Yes, Again!

So the whole Columbus, extended weekend, fall break whatever you want to call it could NOT have come at a worse time.  I have felt bad for about 4 days.  I know it is just a cold... you know the type, one side of your nose stopped up- the other a clear water stream.  IT brings along its friends, low grade fever and headache.  As most of you know, moms, do not get to be sick.  We can not lay up on the couch or curl up in a chair for any length of time.  It is Impossible.  So being the martyrs that we are we push forward to take care of our homes and children.
When I woke up this morning, I decided I have dedicated the last two days to ensure my kids were entertained and happy.  We went to Build-A-Nightmare, and yesterday I allowed them to add a new feature called "sticky" to my entire kitchen... TODAY, is a new day... ( mysterious music inserted here)... Today, they are going to become shiftshapers and morph into my minions... they are going to CLEAN.  YES- I know, it is a brave, new concept.     One I have tinkered with a few times in the past, but never put into full implementation mode.  Now, some of you may not know, that in my past life.. when I was a well groomed professional that actually had a vocabulary outside of " NO, I Said So, Get down from there, I am going to count too three, and the most important one of all- Mommy Loves you So Much" I was a project manager for a large financial institution.  ( close your mouth, didn't your mom tell you bugs will fly in there- plus it is rude)  There is no need to be shocked.  I was actually pretty good at my job- so it is time to put those rusty skills into action.  The playground is closed, we have to clean up the wreckage that Columbus left in our humble abode.  Down to business..
The plan-
Mackenzie is older but she suffers from "half-assitus" ( yes, another word I coined because I saw the necessity for it)-  I will start her off slowly and then place the larger work tools in her possession.  Lysol wipes are great... they will ease her into the "sanitary mode" and a monkey could use them and get it right.  If all goes well, and I can promise you it WILL... we will move onto taking dirty sheets off the bed and **replacing them with clean ones**... It's a stretch- but I am in PM mode.  I will let the journey dictate our next goals.
Now Walker is game for anything.. he is the perfect little minion- the problem is, he can't see the counter tops, reach the sinks and the mop can over power him.  I will put him on "toys" go in my bins duty... then promote him to lower window duty.
Yes, Child Labor is against the law.  I get it... but so is running a person into the ground and expecting them to keep smiling like a moron or if its not, it should be.  So for all the mommies out there, I am righting a few wrongs.  I am getting a little help around here today... I am demanding a little slice of justice for all the "clean" clothes that were put in the dirty clothes hamper because the "half-assitus" afflicted ones  didn't want to hang it back up!
Pass judgement if you must... but at some point in our mommy lives we have to realize the visions of rainbows, fairies and alcohol that tastes good, are just that -VISIONS!  ( rolls eyes)

Hook, Line and Sinker

 The newest members of our family- Aubie the Cheering Tiger and Vader the Bear (both make racket- that's a great little feature .. ahem)

The Idea aka The Hook-

So a few weeks ago the husband sent me an email stating that Build-A-Bear is promoting the Star Wars/ Clone Wars with little cutesy outfits for their overpriced bears... Now, Walker and I both love Star Wars... and the idea of having a bear dressed like Darth Vader or C3P0 is about as grand as a Hershey Bar with a diamond wrapper.. WOW..  can't contain yourself excitement.     I pulled up the website and did a little investigating of my own... AND there was a coupon available on redplum... Heads up my dears, if you missed it- You just witnessed a reenactment of the HOOK being set.

The Sale's Pitch aka The Line-

The husband was on the porch and I decided to share the idea of a family outing. He is normally agreeable but just in case he needed a push, I felt the need to remind him of how cute Mackenzie was the first time we took her.  Allow me to share-  She was about 3 and she could not understand why I handed her a "flat" bear... she kept pulling down the fluffy bears that were on display.  After a few minutes of me putting the displays back in order and handing her flat bear after flat bear she chunked the bear on the floor stating loudly " THAT BEAR IS DEAD- I don't want it!".... Laughter filled the store... did I mention she was loud and adament that she DID NOT WANT THE DEAD ONE?     ( once again, you just witness another reenactment of my clever sales pitch or LINE) With Walker anything could happen, and the idea of the husband missing it made me sad...It worked.  Family outing anyone?

Now to prepare for such an outing I had to look the part of "Outstanding Mommy"... so I hit the closet.. I decided on unflattering khaki pants, a chambray over sized blouse and brown flip flops.  My accessories were minimal.. headband in the weedeater haircut and diamond studs.  I had the pearls out.. but I didn't want to over state my mommy perfection  (your laughter is hurtful - by the way), so I placed them back in there velveteen pouch for another day.  Yep, looked just like a mom... This was my SUPER SUIT!  I was ready for Family FUN day! June Clever has nothing on me except maybe meatloaf.

Going on a bear hunt aka SINKER-

On the way, the husband asked me if I brought the coupon for Victoria's Secret's free panty offer and my response was... "OH CRAP- I forgot the bear coupon"  -  I hate it when I forget a coupon.. I could have cared less about the not really underwear freebie..it was the bear coupon that sent me reeling.  Shame on me. Might as well throw good money out the window.. UGH!  I had to refocus and let this little "hiccup" go.

As we entered the ginormous, obnoxious mall... I realized once again, my Visions of Peace on Earth were just that.. Visions. ( queue the hectic music)  It was an anthill of people (not as bad as Christmas time mind you- but more than I expected) and they were all in search of the perfect crumb.  I don't do well with crowds on most days.. but since I had on my big girl granny panties ( mom attire)... I forged on for the sake of the children.  I looked over at the husband to draw some sort of strength from him... but he had checked out mentally, he was a goner - there was no help to be found.  *** Woman with a mission-taking charge of the FUN situation***  Time to Get Er' Done!

We found the store with all of its charming appeal. We guided the kids to all of their options and let me say there are plenty of options with all kinds of price tags.  Once the kids made what seemed to be life altering decisions on what to dress them in, it was time to actually BUILD-A-Bear.  The worker (the great OZ) instructed them to kiss a heart and make a wish before they placed it in their bears.  At this point, every mommy impulse was SCREAMING because I am sure my kid's mouths just became a petri dish full of  foreign germs. My now sick kids, stuffed the stinking bears and the husband paid them next months mortgage for this proud new ownership...

Four hours later (giggle) we sat down, as a family unit for LUPPER.... missed lunch and it was close to supper time hence the necessity of the word "Lupper".  During this time, I soon found out they gave us a front row seat to Jersey Shore and Snookie was the main attraction. I wish there was some exaggeration to this comment, but I promise you there is not.  I could not take my eyes off of this train wreck... to prove it was so bad- I had the husband swap seats with me.  I knew he had no apparent issues with trashy women, he is the one that introduced me to this reality show in the first place-so he gladly moved around for  me. Win Win... He had dinner and a show... I got to keep my eyesight.  You know, when her mother gets out of the penitentiary she really needs to discuss her appearance and what is appropriate on a Sunday afternoon.. Just Sayin'  *** that scarred me a little bit*** 

 So, where are the bears you ask innocently? Well, they are laying in the middle of the floor- totally ignored.. ahem- (please stop the banging in my head)

So to sum it up, lets review what we have learned today:

1. Doesn't matter if you look the part of super mommy with your Super Suit, anthills are not affected by your powers.

2 .Overpriced bears are NOT as good as Hershey bars wrapped in diamonds.

3. Coupons do not do you any good if they remain at your house.

4. Dinner with Snookie will give you reflux.

5. Visions are for the criminally insane... Yea, You got my number on this one...

Good Night

Find A Penny..

 

We have all chanted at one point or another.. find a penny pick it up and all day long you will have good luck.  So this begs the question ( exasperated sigh) "What the hell do you reckon' this means?"  can't be good!

Vigilante On The Loose

 It appears at first glance the crime wave is continuing.. BUT that is not the case..
Here is how it went down-
Remember the "criminal" and my crown jewel, the "pillow"...yep!  Well, I might have forgiven the criminal... but something inside me was just restless. There was a churning that I could not ignore.  Others had mentioned that they too had been a victim in this type of senseless crime.  I had to right all the wrongs out there. So I needed a plan.  I decided to contact a few known associates of the criminal aka my mom and the other aunt ( for the purposes of this story we will call her - GLENDA, the good aunt).  Glenda was extremely helpful, she had a spare key.  SCORE!  -  Now I needed to focus, work on my patience.... I had to get this right.  Glenda agreed to leave the key outside her house -hidden of course, in an envelope, under the mat by the backdoor... NOBODY WOULD THINK TO LOOK THERE- (giggle-poor Glenda).
This morning I woke up nervous.    It is V- Day-  no, not Valentines, Vigilante Day.    I got dressed as normal and drove the little guy to school.  It was very important not to differ from my normal schedule, I did not want to tip my hand.    I headed to Glenda's house and found the said "hidden spare key".  NOW, as luck would have it.... the criminal lives about 4 doors down.. I KNOW- Serendipity at its finest.   I made sure I stayed within the legal speed limit for that 3 seconds... no need for undue attention.   I parked as I normally would and hopped out.  I put on my gloves ( fingerprints- uh huh - I thought of everything), and placed the key into the door.. *** dramatic music inserted HERE****  and it opened.  Then bam... I disturbed Cricket, her yappy dog...( note to self- next break in bring dog treats as a precaution).. he knows me but something like this could have destroyed my mission...he was in his crate and he quickly settled down (whew)- Didn't need the nosy neighbors peeking in the windows.  I walked cat like to the bedroom... grabbed the bed pillows and panic struck... WHAT NOW? I am not the criminal here.. she is!    What do I do with them... I dropped the ransom note* on the bed and trotted to the door.  I threw the pillows in the back... hopped in my car (sweating-everything was in slow motion) ...I drove  (under the speed limit this time- for 6 seconds) to Glenda's house and tucked the key safely away under the mat (safe according to Innocent, Good, Aunt Glenda).  I drove away with my heart racing and thinking "I DID IT!  I got her pillows..".  I wish I was a fly on the wall tonight when she reads her ransom note*... but you can't have everything and I got her pillows, it is a much better deal.

( Drum roll please)
*  Said Ransom Note- The original is a typeset of cut letters from a magazine.. shame it would not show up

Criminal,
Action sets off reaction- we all must pay for our crimes. Your punishment-sleep without your favorite pillows. Sounds Easy? Oh NO! It's not... When a lesson has been learned, your pillows will be returned, unharmed- unlike MINE. I have no other demands... except maybe a starbucks frappe... that might be nice!
Sweet Dreams,
The Victim


** Yes- the picture is staged... there is NO way I would drive around Small Town, Alabama with a panty on my head-I would be in a cell, possibly padded at this time.  I just wish the picture had volume.. my kids' reaction was worth a million words.  (and of COURSE, I left the ransom note)
*** I am NOT totally heartless... the criminal has a spare bed... she can use those pillows for a night or TWO- just to get the "feel" for what it is like to sleep with "replacements".... ahem

This is Fantastic...

                                               This might be the most fantastic thing I have seen in YEARS... a girl plunger! What fashion forward thinking domestic goddess would not want one of these little beauties?  Why didn't I think of this?  Turn a crappy job  ( ha) into something delightful...   Men make note.  This could be the perfect gift.  (grinning from ear to ear)

Fame

So I realize I have not written in a few days... and if I didn't, I have my "fans"... wanting more ( clicks tongue) ahem- quit laughing.. I have had request- SERIOUSLY.  I realize how Lindsay feels... the pressure of it all.  This picture was taken in the privacy of my own home...the  paparazzi are out of control!  GAME ON - KATE!
My initial thought was quality over quantity.  This rule of thumb works for everything EXCEPT toilet paper- in that one case.. more is better!  You know it is true.
 I can assure you I have a plan... it will be completed on Wednesday afternoon.  It is beautiful... We will call it "Vigilante on the Loose".
*** THANKS FOR THE INDULGENCE... THAT WAS FUN!***