Pillow

Let's take a quick stroll down memory lane before I get into this story.  It is of the utmost importance that everyone understand the gravity of one's actions.  
When I was a little girl and sick, I would stay with my grandparents.  My grandmother would cover me up with an old quilt, that had gold flowers on it and smelled of mothballs.  You know the smell.  She also had this feather pillow, she personally slept with it every night.  It was covered by an old satin pillowcase that was a faint mint green with beige lace on the ends.  She claimed the satin case kept her hair intact until she could get to the beauty shop to have it set.   When I was not feeling well... she would bring it to me.  I loved it.  It was a feeling of security, being safe, and loved all wrapped into one... I suppose it was because, it too had a distinct smell- Vicks Salve, Timeless (Avon) perfume and Aquanet. You know how grandma's smell.. like Heaven.  When I got older, she gave me the old quilt and her crown jewel- the feather pillow.  I had the quilt on my bed for years, but over time it has dry rotted and the washing machine was giving it a beating.. so I have put it up for safe keeping.  The pillow, however stayed on my bed from that night forward.  Granted, it is NASTY, and the feathers are "mulch"... but it secured a great night sleep. It was squishy and cuddly,  No amount of filth could persuade me from giving up my pillow.  The mint case was washed regularly and there was very little trace of what was once the lace border, so in my mind.  That was sufficient.   Everyone in the house understood, that is mommy's pillow.  
Now that you understand... allow me to bring you up to date:
In July, the husband and I took a trip to Vegas to celebrate our anniversary.  We were married there and it seemed like the perfect trip to take.. we both forgot how stinkin' hot it is there in JULY- shoes were melting on the sidewalk... you get the idea and this basically has NOTHING to do with my story.. so-
I asked a few family members to keep our babies.  The plan was for kids to stay at my parent's house for one night and have my aunt ,for purposed of this story, we will refer to her as the "Criminal" keep them the other two nights at our house.  Please do not get me wrong, I love the criminal with every fiber of my being, she is my best friend and like a second mother to me... 
While we were gone, I would call my babies everyday to check on them, after I talked to them, I would check on everything with the criminal.  She would explain that they were keeping busy by sorting out closets  and things of this manner.  It did not surprise me that she would look for PIDDLIN' things to do.. she has a form of adha and can't sit still.  We all know this and have learned to accept it. 
The weekend passed and we returned home.  My heart went out for the criminal.. it looked like the kiddos had aged her 10 years.. and instead of hanging around like she normally would do.. the front door could not open FAST enough for her to get out of the madhouse.  Poor Criminal...
That night, I crawled into bed, totally worn out- I looked for my pillow but could not locate it.  I thought to myself- SELF- it's ok... you failed to pack it when you went to Vegas, so you can go one more night without it.  Little did I know what my future held... (DRAMATIC MUSIC Inserted here).
The next morning, I got to looking for it... under the bed, in the closets... everywhere.. NO pillow.  This activity repeated itself for over a week.  A form of true insanity began to emerge.  I tore up this house looking for that sucker.  One day, while I was in the middle of a HUGE breakdown looking for it again, the criminal called.  I asked her if she knew where my pillow was ( cricket chirping, pin drop silence) she said "I THREW THAT NASTY THING AWAY, IT WAS UNHEALTHY".  *** the pain is fresh as I type this-  not easy to relive***
ok- remain calm-  "You did - WHAT?"  - the husband enters the room... listening... I continued.. "You THREW MY PILLOW AWAY?'... the husband mouths "she threw it away"- he darted out of the room... he knew and was right... the situation was about to take a turn for the worse.  The criminal apologized and offered up one of her bed pillows.. LIKE THAT WOULD WORK... crazy talk!   I tried to explain it was like she came in here and threw away Walker's binkie or blankie as some might call it... I realize I am OLD.. but she threw away my BINK!
A few months have passed now and I still miss my pillow.  My irreplaceable pillow, my binkie... I have forgiven the aunt for her criminal act.. but .. the next time I am at her house, I may be forced to HIDE her pillows.

Rockin' The Coupons

So I refuse make this a "frugal" blog.. there are so many wonderful ones out there on the internet that I don't need to repave a road... so to speak.
Here's the story-
This morning I headed over to Club Pub to grab a few deals that peaked my interest.  Yesterday, Walker and I clipped and filed what I needed to make this trip successful.  He knows we do not go to the store without coupons.. and sometimes when I here him playing he will say "get in the car Optimus, so we can go to Publix.- Buzz, you got the coupons?"... uh huh.. teaching them early around here.  So proud!
Anyways, I got lots of freebies... woohoo.. I said FREEBIES today.  Want an example to prove it wasn't circle file junk?  Pledge Wipes, Starkist ( made .50 cents on this deal), Country Crock butter, Kraft CHEESE- oh yea... the real stuff, and eggs to name just a few.  My out of pocket or to be HIP- my OOP was higher than it would have normally been but today I opted to buy 4 Tides and a Dawn detergent.. why so many?  Well, they are on sale for 5.99$ and I had 3 bucks off each one.. so 2.99$ is a FANTASTIC DEAL for HE Tide Detergent.  I also had a small hidden agenda I would like to bring to the ladies' attention..  Heads
  up on this one!
You receive a FREE pink kitchenware set from Good Cook’s Hope line which includes a 2 quart sauce pan with lid, Classic Balloon Wisk, 3 Piece Mini Nylon Tool Set and 2 piece Nylon Scrub Brush Set by mail when you purchase $25 or more of participating Procter and Gamble products in one transaction from Publix.
Now the 25.00$ is before coupons... yea, I know... exciting stuff.. GAME ON!  I love this  opportunity and what I love more is that a large company like P&G is promoting Breast Cancer Awareness.  So ladies, give those oobies a squish and be proactive.  
I know I have bored the stew out of most of you today... I will regroup and post something a bit more entertaining  like what I would like to do with the new recorder Mackenzie brought home from school yesterday..oh yea.. there's a story there, I will tell ya that.  But for now.. take care, rock the coupons, save your money and squish your oobies.. doesn't have to be in that order!

Batman Bottoms

So when Walker woke up this morning he told me it was cold in the house.  I thought it felt terrific... but hormones can give you a false sense of temperature, so I took his word for it.  I had picked him up some winter pjs.. so I pulled out the bottoms and asked him if he wanted to wear them.  He said  "sure- they gots batman on them"... I knew that would be a HUGE selling point when they were purchased for the kid that hates clothes.  He wanted to put them on by himself... so I let him struggle for a few minutes before I stepped in to assist him.  I asked him what was wrong and he said  "I can't get these SLEEVES on my wegs". Mmmmhmmm, I see...So the "sleeves" are getting stuck on your feet... well sure.

Oops, Up Side Your Head

So today Walker and I were in the car, singing in harmony together "The Cat's in the Cradle". One of his favorite songs.. strange huh?  Anyways,  I wasn't watching him in the mirror to make sure he was still buckled... or to make sure he wasn't hanging from the o'nelly bar, like a chimp at the zoo.  He was singing... he was occupied.  It was peaceful.  A little too peaceful.  See with boys, there are a few rules...

1. You can never leave the house without some sort of automobile - i.e. truck, car or airplane

2. There is NO such thing as peaceful.

3.  They can and will multitask when you least expect it... don't get me wrong.. this multitasking is only useful when they see fit... To the best of my knowledge they can NOT pick up toys while watching an exciting movie like Toy Story....can't be done.

4. NEW RULE- when a little boy comes into your family... a perfect shower gift would be a hard hat.  I learned this bit of information today.

Back to the car ride... so we are trucking along... and OUCH... AWE - WHAT THE?  I grabbed the back of my head in shocking pain.  The little passenger decided to make the metal, hotwheels airplane FLY!  Yes, you read that right... that little sucker chunked an airplane at me... behind the wheel... driving the car... listening to his favorite song... without a hard hat.  He was singing... then it hit me... he was multitasking- playing airplane and enjoying a tune.

I cussed... a little... oh hell, I cussed a lot.  I was in shock... a 747 just crashed into my head... I am allowed to cuss... ahem.

He said.. "sorry mommy- I didn't mean to frow it"... ( reading between the lines here... he didn't mean to hit me in the back head...his aim was off) - 

"It might be a good time for you to use the emergency exits WALKER"

Taboo

Ok- Today, I am going to touch on a subject that is taboo for most women.... haircuts at the five and dime.  Now, before I start, I need to make it clear that once upon a time, I would go every six weeks like clockwork to get my haircut.  I would drop 40-45 bucks.. and walk out.  I was always pleased with the cut or so I thought at the time but NOT pleased with the cost... It was ongoing.. like cable... you can never have it paid off.
As time as passed, I have realized, it is hair.. does it really matter?  It will grow if you get a bad cut.  I guess the practical side has jumped into the driver's seat.
Just this past week, I decided it had been two months and I needed a trim.  I do not make appointments, I go when the mood strikes and when I know I have enough patience to sit with the endless chatter.  This time a dude cut it...I felt kinda lucky.. in the past when a dude cut it.. I was pleased... really precise on the wedge. I plopped into the chair, ready for my transformation.
I had high hopes for this 10 dollar cut.  I told him to bring the front up to my chin and tighten the back up.  He began to cut away and I noticed we did not engage in small talk... GREAT- he is paying attention to the job at hand... I had my eyes closed.  When I opened my eyes, I noticed... he was not familiar with the "chin level" guideline... I was getting a little sweaty but decided not to say anything since he was the one with the scissors... I didn't want to get shanked.  Time passed and I hopped out of the chair... he held up the secondary mirror for my approval... ok- I needed to focus on my pleasant "acting" skills... WOW- You hit pay dirt... great job sir.. UGH....Thankful he was not a mindreader... this is the real story " Holy Crap, This is a basic cut.. where did you work before? Lowes... looks like I got in a fight with a weedeater"...
So the question is...Do you get what you pay for?  Does it make sense to spring for a haircut that cost as much as a weeks worth of groceries?  My answer is ... Yes and No... because IT WILL GROW!

I'll Take "How To Tick A 3-Year Old Off" For $200, Alex

When Mackenzie was Walker's age, I had to work.  Since, I do not have to anymore, I made a promise that I would never take for granted the time I have with Walker.  So every single day I make a point to make sure Walker and I have some play time.  It could be something as simple as lining up cars to make "traffic" on the rug.   He likes to do this... and he is the resident expert on hotwheels... so I let him direct me to whatever needs to be done.
Last week, he wanted to play with Woody, Buzz, Megatron and Optimus Prime at the same time.. Ok.- sure, why not?  I made a brave move and suggested we make a "gameshow" with them.  Oh, He was all over this.  He has watched the Wheel of Fortune and Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader ( incidentally, I am not) on more than one occasion.  He understood the plan.  We lined up his dolls and decided that Walker would be the voice of Buzz and Woody.  That left me with the Masculine Transformers.
Ok- First question is for Buzz-  "Buzz, If you could have any prize in Target, what would it be?"   Walker thought about this question... then he responded "Darth Vader yadda yadda something"...
OK- Megatron- Same question-  I quickly responded in a man voice "BARBIES"...  Walker furrowed his brow and said "that is for gurls ( dramatic pause inserted here)  Megatron is a boy".  I pretended to be confused and said "Oh, ok- I understand now"  Walker asked Megatron again.. I responded "MY LITTLE PONIES"... and this is when Katie should have barred the door... He had a look of such disgust.. I started cracking up.. his buttons had been pushed beyond his control "YOU ARE NOT A FUNNY MOMMY!- THAT IS FOR GURLS!!... I TOLD YOU, MEGATRON IS A BOY.  YOU NOT LISTEN TO ME.. WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!- I SAID YOU ARE NOT FUNNY, I AM GOING TO COUNT TO FREE - ONE, TWO....DO NOT MAKE ME GET TO FREE!!"  Me- Still Laughing, "no, Walker, I am not funny- but you sure are..."

No Meatloaf For You

There is now a ban on meatloaf in this house.  It will not be lifted anytime soon.  This was a valid attempt... but no dice.  It did not end up in the trash like the ones before, I salvaged the pan. It wasn't a real meatloaf.  Cows are rolling over at this time. I once again, took their death in vain.  Want Proof- the husband said
 "changed my mind, meatloaf isn't my favorite anymore.. I think I like Salisbury Steak"...   ahem- nuff said

Could It Be?

This morning I strolled out to get the Sunday paper... in my blue robe... a casual walk.  I notice I had a "man" down in the scarecrow set up.. but it was raining.. so even though it didn't matter if I got wet... I didn't want  the little dude to start looking for me and give him the opportunity to go all willy nilly in the mud.  A mental note was made.  I got my paper, grabbed my coffee, and snuggled up on the couch for a perfect rainy day beginning.  I pulled out my coupons.. browsed the "news"... and began to make my list for the upcoming bargains I would pursue starting Monday.
Time ticked and I happened to look outside and I noticed..ANOTHER PAPER... oh my goodness,  what luck!  It is COUPON day... oh man... I can't believe it.... I grabbed the blue robe, only this time I skipped to the driveway... grabbed the gifted paper and made my way back into the house... I was ripping off the plastic and sure enough.. another Sunday paper.  WOW- JUST WOW!  I pulled back the depressing part that some call the news (hmmm seems a little thin) .. and NOTHING... NO ads.. and more importantly - NO COUPONS...
What a proverbial kick in the teeth... and then the paranoia kicked in.  What if the newspaper dude is in cahoots with the mailgrump?  There is no other explanation.  What if they are one in the same?  What if the mailgrump moonlights, or in this case sunlights, as a newsgrump?  What if the jig is up and the mailgrump has found out about my ongoing investigation?
Someone might as well put coal in my stocking...

Great News- Beano Is On Sale

So when my children started walking around with their shirts pulled up over their noses anytime the husband was around.. I knew I had to take action.  It was up was up to me... to help them.  The husband means "no harm" and he thinks it is a barrel of laughs when he does this.  I am not laughing... Walker's head is rump level, he could do permanent damage to his sense of smell, reflexes... ability to do math.  The list of horrors is endless. 

So one day, while I was at the store doing a little coupon shopping... I found myself in the "gassy" aisle.  On that day,  I bought something I never thought I would-  Beano.  Mmmmhmmmm , I sure did.   It was the commercial that sealed the deal... I like the woman and her quip.. "BeaNO Gas"... I know, another TV driven purchase.. Guilty as charged. 

 One Sunday, I fried up some okra with all the fixens' and I knew what our future held.  I had to react, so I did something criminal, I slipped Beano in his drink ( GASP)... It had to be done.  There is nothing I would not do for my children.  To say I have made a habit out of this activity, might be overstating it a bit.  However, I always have it on hand.  The days of pulling the covers over my head and trapping me in the cloud of yuck are over.  Like I said... " Great News- Beano is on sale"... giggle

Something Wicked This Way Comes

This morning before Mackenzie left for school I noticed something that was alarming at best... she has a rump... a big one...
Not like a side of a barn rump.. but like "uh oh... small luggage - junk in your trunk" rump.  ( sighing)  She was wearing a cute leggings set with a little tunic... but the top was hiked up on the new feature.  I am pretty sure this happened over night.  I would have noticed  that.  I know I would have.  I  am a member of the "noassatall" club... I am envious of this attribute on most... BUT NOT MY KID.  I was aware that something wicked this way comes due to small outburst and crying for no apparent reason erupting in our home on a bi-weekly basis.  I am not ready for this... in fact, I am freakin' out a little.
I was not totally oblivious to my child starting to change. We have shopped for new undergarments and I encourage her to pluck her eyebrows that tend to grow across her nose. She has her own face washes to keep a nice complexion.  It is a natural part of growing up.  The problem with my child is .. she's pretty.  I know I am biased but I am not alone here... She has a gentleman caller.  He comes over every so often.  Parks his bike in the driveway... and rings the bell.  I answer the door and try to be intimidating and gruff... must not be working, he still comes around.  She blushes and giggles... ( peachy huh?)  My question is "When did boys stop having cooties?"  and for that fact  "When did girls stop having cooties?" 
"Why can't they keep their cooties?"  ( rolleyes)
So the writing is on the wall and no amount of scrubbing or clorox is going to give me the fresh clean slate, I so desire.  My little girl is growing up and I am left with only two options-
1. buy over sized, slouchy clothes
2. crack open the Malibu Rum.
CHEERS!

Laundry and Dishes and Floors... OH MY!!!

Busy day in the kingdom - housework calls, so no time for a real rant...and I promised the Mayor of Munchkinville we would play hotwheels, transformers and toy story ( does not have to be in this order).  I just thought I would share a few words of wisdom, as I did a few weeks ago on facebook... here goes... pay attention... HOUSEWORK MAKES YOU UGLY!
Have a wonderful Day!

As Seen On TV

Now you know how they say there is a sucker born every minute... well, what are the odds.. four of them live in this house.   Chilling... isn't it?   Ah Yes.. today's topic " Infomercials".   Before we begin, I want to give you a run down of what we own or have tried:
The Ped Egg - its ok.. but emptying this sucker will make your stomach do flips.. ugh
The Magic Bullet-Has a few redeeming qualities- makes some "so good - smack your granny" chicken salad.
The Bump IT- What the hell?
Smooth Away- Sandpaper... should have known
Nutrisystem - STEP AWAY FROM THE CARDBOARD- going hungry is better than this.
Nads Hair Removal System-  Doesn't hurt when you rip the hair out from the root- I BELIEVED IT! (smuck)
Thigh Master- Suzanne Somers... You owe me 20 bucks.
Richard Simmons VHS Disco style-  AH Freak Out!  If we still owned a VHS- I would pop this sucker in and record it for this post... but, as luck would have it.. we have upgraded our technology.  (shoot! - that could have been fun)
Acia miracle pills- oh good lord... Cade about strung me up over this one and its continuous monthly billing.
Now, as I go back and glance over the items that I remember, I am sure this is not an all inclusive list, it occured to me... at first blush, we appear to be some fat, hairy people with bad feet.  Oh well, it is what it is.
My second list is what I like to call "Honorable Mention"... because we have mentioned the products on more than one occasion:
Sham Wow- just wow..it's all I got..
The Plant Roll Out Garden Thing- Mackenzie was in huge favor of this one- she is so practical and thoughtful she hated the thought of me digging individual holes to put flowers in.. this was her solution.
The Bowflex- got the dvd
The Bowflex Treadmill- ahem... also have this dvd
The Touch & Brush- this is how I found out that ALL of us are indeed suckers- Walker saw it and has asked for it atleast a half a dozen times...
The Hanger Cascader - it makes more room in the closet... works for me!

 We have all watched the miracles unfold before us - it is a form of brainwashing.. you have to watch in amazement as the product works like nothing you have ever seen... Seeing is Believing, right?  In a pig's eye.
At one point, infomercials targeted insomniacs .. not any more... they come on when you least expect it.  Touch and Brush.. oh yea... cartoon network.... Brainwashing at its finest.  Target the little people.
Now, if you get sucked into a product and your bank account is low... you can do two easy installments of 19.99$  ** they thought of everything**  AND if you are really lucky- you can get a second one for FREE, if you call in the next 30 minutes - just pay shipping and handling.. which is inflated to cover the cost of four.... How do I know this?... I am an idiot, that is all you need to know.
So what are we to think of this As Seen On TV phenomenon?  Easy answer... DON'T think of it- turn the channel or walk away... Just sayin'

Nobody Can Tell Time

 So this morning I made the decision to take Walker to the doctor. The appointment was for 10:00.  He had a restless night and the writing was on the wall. He has had a "booga" issue for over a week now and it appeared the nose was no longer an acceptable exit so they made their way to other possible outlets... the ears.  I am NOT a fan of the pediatrician's office.. everytime we go, we come home with something a little more serious than what we went for in the first place.  It is a germaphobes nightmare.   As I took inventory of the parents, it was easy to tell we all had the same goal.  Attempt to keep our own children confined in a make shift Purell Sanitized Bubble, see the doctor and get out of there as soon as possible.
One hour later.. and in case you are not familiar with Small Children- that is like 4 very long days to them... we make our way to the small room.  We discussed the pictures on the wall, played hot wheels and then he had to explore what was in the cabinets.  I knew we were going to get busted but at this point I did not care.  If you don't want bored, sick kids in your stock... LOCK IT...  The doctor arrived and Walker turned mute... not a peep...She would ask him a question and he would stare at his toes.   I then became the official translator since I was the only parental unit there.   I am actually pretty good at this since he never shuts up at home, I am fluent in Toddler.   I knew what the issues were and handled it.   Then she did something that made me LOVE her... she gave me a coupon for his medicine... I adore coupons.  In that one small act... all the agitation disappeared.  Doctors can work miracles.   She called him in his meds to a private druggist I like to use ( legal druggist I like to use- clarification might be needed).  I prefer using small companies if possible. He will fill a prescription in less than 5 minutes ( his clock works) while you are in the comfort of your own car-  He is the Jiffy Lube of Drugstores.
 So we packed up and trucked on down the road...
Once we arrived at the drugstore... the harmony stopped once again... the said coupon was for a new drug.  He didn't have it in stock... oh crap!  He called around and found one of the major chains had it in stock... OF COURSE THEY DID.... he filled the portion he had and transfered the rest of the drugs to the large chain.
Once we arrive, I unload the hungry kid out of the car.    We walk to the counter and give them the pertinet information... it will be 15 minutes- in case you are not familiar with drugstore time- you double what they say.. she really means 30 minutes...  What do we do for 30 minutes?  We shop.. not the clearance section.. but the very sad, half an aisle, of overpriced toys.  We discuss them all.  The colors.. the tv shows they spun off from and if it was for a "gurl" or "boy".  FINALLY-  the heavenly voice over the intercom calls us but not quite fast enough to get me out of buying an overpriced Wolverine.    IT is a racket... they have it figured out.. They learn this in school...
Lesson 1 - see worn down woman with sick child  aka VICTIM ... put them off for** TELL THEM 15 MINUTES.**... we can get a toy sale out of the deal as well..   Genius marketing.
So- I could ramble forever about the failure to tell accurate time, or I could gripe about the fact that once I finally got the medicine for his ear, he gagged and spit it all out.  I could continue to fuss about Mackenzie getting off the bus with an apparent bee in her bonnet,or that when she saw his medicine and made horrific faces and making comments like that is worst tasting stuff ever as  he was watching and taking it all in  or the fact that Homeless Flo left me a dead rat at the foot of my porch steps... I could kick up a fuss that mayor of Small Town sent out a letter to all its residents that recycling will only be picked up two days a month due to budget issues.. ok- that one really doesn't matter.  Today I am not concerned about the landfields.  It just gave me another excuse to take a little longer bath tonight... peace out!

Victoria... I Know Your Secret And I Can Help

I am convinced the mailgrump sorts the bundle of mail in the following categories:
1.  Who needs a good kick in the teeth?
2. Who is a little too cocky today?
3. You just thought you had extra money this week...
4. It's a box- I have to deliver it.. it can be tracked...
5. AND last but not least- the coupons are mine- let them try to prove it

Yesterday, I guess I fell into categories 1 and 2.  After the scooter debacle, I decided to browse a Victoria Secret's catalog... I know... I know- I am a glutton.  As I flipped each glossy pages,  while eating some leftover homemade mac and cheese,  I felt a pity for the breathtakingly, beautiful models.  I am SOOOO growing as a person.. before, I would have used this magazine to clean the food trap under the sink...
I decided to look at them.. I mean really look at them... and in their eyes... there was .... not much....  No glimmer of life... only an airbrushed, out of this world, are you freakin' kidding me body on the pages.  So being the scientific genius that I am.. I came to this conclusion:  They are pod people.
They do not know that a human has to eat to survive.  They do not know that a biscuit and gravy will actually dance in your mouth and provide momentary happiness.  Sad-  isn't it?  So I have decided,  I am going to do the only hospitable thing I know to do... I am going to invite them over.   I am going to write them a letter, using only small words of course,  and offer up a trip of lifetime.  Forget Paris and Milan, we are going to the grocery store.

Dear Strangely, Beautiful People,
First let say- your secret is safe with me.  No one needs to know you are really pod people.  To keep this secret. I am afraid you will have to make a few changes to your faux lifestyle.  All creatures have learned in order to survive you MUST adapt.  Humans eat food.  Some humans eat lots of food...  You must learn to do this too.   Carrots and Water are great little snacks.. if your a bunny.  Just so we are clear, when I say bunny, I am referring to the cute, furry, four legged animal that likes to reproduce frequently.  I am not referring to the bunny you might be familiar with, that lives in a mansion with an old man.  However, I admit the similarities are astounding.  
I would like to open my southern front door and offer up chance of a lifetime.  I would like the opportunity to take you to a place that houses food.  Yes, such a place does exist.  We call them grocery stores.  They are amazing.  You can get any type of preprocessed morsel you desire. Food comes in boxes, bags, tubes and bottles. It is brilliant.
Please allow me the opportunity to corrupt your regimented lifestyle.  I am a professional "junk eater".. so you are in good hands.
Take Care and remember- LONG LIVE THE ELASTIC WAIST BAND!
Me

Mail Call

So today the mailgrump left me a letter... it was from the Scooter Store.   Yes, The Scooter Store, as in America's #1 Power Chair and Scooter Provider.  You have seen the commercials.  You know the product.  It wasn't addressed to "resident at Small Town, Alabama,"  ( dramatic pause inserted here) it was addressed to me.  The letter was very understanding and assured me that if I have this type of chair, I will not grow dependent on it.. but I will GROW in my independence... well sure.  To PROVE this point, they enclosed an assessment for me to take... and that got me thinking... It might be fun and educational to take it with you:
OK- pencil sharpened- let's begin
1.Do you sometimes feel left out by not being able to get together with family and friends?  **I must tread lightly both said family and friends read this*** um... NO    ( played it safe)
2.Do you have health related issues limit your mobility?  No
3.Are you having trouble getting to your kitchen or dining facility by yourself for a meal?  See- this is a tricky question..part of me wants to say "YES" so I can stop the cooking.. but this is serious business so I am going to go with NO
4.Is it difficult for you to get to the bathroom alone?  OK... they read my last post... OBVIOUSLY
5.blah blah
8.  Skipped a few but I am losing interest- Have you fallen in the past few months? Yes , Yes I have...
Now it tells me if I have answered YES to any of the questions to call them and they will discuss my needs...um... ok-  let me think this over,  They are going to help me get out of deathtrap of a date, stop cooking, AND cure my clumsiness... I think I should call.... Thanks, Mailgrump... You are a dream weaver.

*** I do realize this product is needed and very helpful to those with health issues-Thankfully, I am blessed and do not need a scooter.***  I just find it absurd that they mail it out by name to a healthy person in their twenties  ... WHAT? it's my story , I will tell it like I want too...

Meet Mackenzie

Mackenzie is my miracle baby.  She is not of my flesh and blood.. but she is of my heart.  I did not rush to the hospital to greet her.. I flew around the world to love her. She is a precious child, that is breathtakingly beautiful.  She is living proof that children are products of their environment .... the kid is funny.  While everyday is an adventure around here.. a couple of stories stand out.. allow me to share:
One afternoon the kids were on the porch and I was in the kitchen cooking dinner... the window was open so I could hear what was going on and to make sure I could quickly break up any disagreements that might arise.  Mackenzie was standing there with her pink jump rope in hand and out of the blue she asked me if her other mother has yellow hair.... I asked her what color her hair was...  she stated "black"... so I told her it was a good chance her birth mother had dark hair.  I am very open to this type of dialogue... I never want her to think I am hiding anything from her in regards to her past... then she said "how old is she?"  So I answered her and said " Mackenzie, she was a teenager and she loves you today as much as she did then.. but sometimes we have to make life altering decisions for the ones we love the most.. she knew she could not take care of you the way a mother wants and needs too so she decided to allow another woman that great privilege... I am blessed it was me... and I thank her every single day"...Now what part of that statement do you think she heard... YEP- she was a teenager... and yes, the writing is on the wall.. she has questions and this time it is not about her adoption.. it is about sex... have mercy-(pulse racing).. she is NINE for heavens sake... I continued to boil the pasta and pretend I was extremely busy now.. but she continued "Reagan said you have eggs"... ahem.. ( the voices in my head are telling me to run... run quickly) "Yes, Mackenzie ladies have eggs... and they are released in our bodies - you do need eggs to make a baby"... I have her full attention now... the jump rope is laying on the ground... I am sweating off the cookie I shoved in my mouth a few minutes earlier when they weren't looking...Then she said this.... "OH MY GAWSH, I AM NEVER EATING EGGS AGAIN".... yep- mission accomplished... I grossed her out and dodged the sex question all in one breath... (tongue clicks)
Mackenzie also has a matter of fact approach to everyday life... let me explain:
I have a real love for aquatic life.  At one point we had an aquarium in every room... but I have consolidated and moved the little guys around so now it is much more manageable... Fish are the perfect pet.  No furballs, No little presents left for you to step in... they will never chew up the heal of your favorite pump... they just swim in beautiful harmony together.  As most pet owners, I think my animals are smart.  Every evening I go to each tank and give them a bite to eat.. normally I talk to them... One day Mackenzie over heard the conversation I was having with my little wonders and she said "MOM... you do realize fish do not have ears... right?"  Never thought about it.. but "YES, I KNOW"- of course I know that.. flustered....
So I go back.. My Kenzie may not have been born into this family... but she owns us... all of us... It is unbelievable what a perfect match we all are... the heaven's had a hand in this.. and one day I will shake it in gratitude.

Paula Dean- Your Job Is Safe

Now, I know I should fall into the domestic goddess category since I am a stay at home mom... but as fate would have it... I don't.    I can pinch a penny till that sucker screams at the grocery store ,while armed with coupons... I can wash clothes and keep them their original color.  I can wipe the dust off the nic nac paddywacks..  I can decorate any task before me... I can make a cardboard box look good..... but I can not make meatloaf.  Can't do it... and I have shamed many a cow that has given his/ her life for our benefit.  Now it just so happens, the husband's favorite dish is... you guessed it, Meatloaf.  I have tried and tried... I have used the fail proof packs of magic dust you add to the meat... didn't work. I have googled the recipes on more than one occasion.. thinking... I would run across one that was made for me-failure.  I don't even bother placing the pan on the table anymore... I just toss it in the hefty bag- the family knows at this point.. we WERE having meatloaf,  now we are having mac and cheese for dinner and they watch as I desperately scan the pantry for a can of beans to go with the new main entree.  In desperate times,  I have ran down to the local store and bought one made in the deli to "pass " it off... marginal at best.  I clipped the coupons and tried the frozen stuff... while their lasagna is pretty tasty- the meatloaf.. eh'...  It just evades me...It is hard to admit that I am not a great southern cook. I am however, a great humanitarian - that is the reason for this post... I wanted to make sure Paula keeps dreaming her buttery dreams and not worry about her day job.

The Spouse

Well, he knew it was bound to happen,  I will rip the band-aid off quickly.  So let me tell you a little bit about my husband.  He is a successful, brilliant businessman.  His official job is working on computers and setting up networks.  I like to think of him as a magician.  He gets calls all hours of the day and night to repair issues that no one else can fix.   Poof- nothing up my sleeve... and a rabbit appears out of his hat.  The issue is resolved.  He has earned respect from those that call him and need his help.  It is impressive if I say so myself.
The husband is tall- really tall- at least a foot taller than me, and it is safe to say he has never met a pan of brownies he didn't like.  He is a big guy.  Which brings me to a little story I feel the need to share....
Over the summer I had the urge to purchase a pair of hair clippers... Now mind you, we do not have any furry animals unless you count Homeless Flo ( stray cat- I felt sorry for and fed... now she stalks us)- Flo has no need for hair clippers... Well, the entire Family was over here and what do we do?  Pull out the clippers and proceed to open up our own salon*** redneck much?***  So Walker got his ears lowered,  I broke down all defenses and let the husband use the clippers on my "wedge" and then I turned on him and got him good!  It actually turned out pretty nice,  a sensible, short cut for the summer.  The next week he headed downtown to a client.  Someone made the comment he looked like an action figure... as he shared this story with me, I could tell he felt some sort of little boy pride.. what kid didn't want to be an action figure... He had his chest puffed out and I know I should have responded something like this... " who honey, the Incredible Hulk?"  but true to form ... I said this " who- Jabba the Hut".... ahem.. he found zero humor in my wit - I thought it was freakin' genius.  So I go back to the original point.. the husband is a big guy.
The husband is also the hairiest person I have ever met, but I have adapted over the years.  I no longer bring bar soap into the house due to the chia pet factor- we only use bodywash.  He has a full beard, so every so often- he turns caveman and feels the need to leave me what appears to be some sort of animal carcass in the sink when he shaves.. ( I know, quit swooning ladies)...
One last fact about the husband is he can tickle the ivories as good as the piano man at Pat O'Brien's in New Orleans.  I find this HOT... ( note to self:  it will be interesting to see what he does with this tidbit of information now that it has been leaked)  ** BLUSHING**
So lets review-
1. Freaky Smart
2. Magician
3. Likes brownies
4. NO Jabba jokes
5. Hairy
6. Plays piano
There you have it in a nutshell, my husband, the father of my children.. What is not to love? :)

The Sock Demon Encounters The Not So Holy Water

So I know you immediately think I am talking about my dryer, I am not.  I am talking about my precious little boy.  He is such a sweet child.  Every morning we put the big one on the bus, he eats his breakfast and then begins playing.  He totally entertains himself with an imagination that works overtime.  I love to watch and listen to him play.  When the time arrives, I gently approach him and tell him we need to get ourselves ready for school. He hates clothes and always has ... so this is a graceful dance I do on eggshells.   He dresses himself for the most part.. every now in then we get a head thru an arm hole but all in all he does a great job with this new skill.  I praise him and tell him Mackenzie could not do this when she was his age... which pleases him to no end... Yes- it is a dance I have mastered with the one EXCEPTION-sock implementation.
This morning I actually thought I was prepared to face the sock demon... I was armed with not one but two pairs of socks... I sat him down on the couch and placed the first sock on his little foot... I grabbed the shoe.. and he starts to squirm.... ( I know from experience that I should not react.. he can smell fear)... I grabbed the other foot, placed the sock gently into place... then the shoe... then all hell broke loose as expected.  He is nothing if not predictable.. but today I pulled out the other pair of socks... I took off said shoe... took off the evil sock and placed the new sock on his foot... I made sure the seam would NOT interfere with his temperamental piggies.  I repeated this effort of the other foot... my breathing went shallow as I tip toed into the kitchen... I was about to embrace a victory dance because after at least a year of constant fighting the sock battle.. I had won the war against the sock demon......and then it happened... the meltdown phase 2.  He was a loose cannon, shaking his feet and jerking around.  I was at the sink.... I turned on the water, and began flicking it at him... "out sock demon - OUT SOCK DEMON"... He was speechless.  I am not sure if I had scared him to this point or if he was in complete shock.  A minute or two passed.. his only comment "you got my shirt wet".... The demon was gone... not a word about the evil socks...
The day went on and I picked him up.  I asked him how his day was and he said "you put watta on me"... I said "Yes, Walker and do you know why?"   He said  "yes, mommy- you are cwazy"....
Well, I will say this.. the kid may not like socks... but he calls it like he sees it...

It's Fall Ya'll...Well Sorta...

So I woke up grumpy and openly posted the following statement on facebook.. because... well, I wanted too- "Pretty is as Pretty does"  - today I am a baboon's butt....and then I got to thinking.. snap out of it.  Start the laundry, play with the kiddo, paint your toes and find the fall decor.  Is it fall?  Hard to tell in Alabama.  Most of you that are reading this know what I am talking about... but just in case someone has dropped by from London, I will explain.  See, in Alabama we get to enjoy the beautiful season known as Fall or Autumn for about a week and a half... it is really quick, so you have to drink in the beauty and enjoy every moment of it.. in a fast paced manner.  You have to open all the windows and allow the fresh air in..very important step.  You can turn the air conditioner off at night ( seriously- yes, you still need it during the day- this is ALABAMA)  You can toss in your favorite crockpot recipes like chili, and let the aroma fill the house with tasty goodness. Getting overly excited about the prospect of Fall coming... and shedding my baboon's butt attitude, I ran up to the attic to locate my loot.  I found the pumpkins, scarecrows and a really bad pot of fake mums  ( really bad).  I located a few witches and welcomed them back.  After taking inventory, Walker and I proceeded to the front yard.  I began to stake the scarecrows in the ground and made a valiant effort to hide a dead bush... a dead bush I recall trying to hide with Christmas lights, this PAST year AND the year before.  Which made me remember a passing thought that still holds true this very day with the poor scarecrows re: this bush - "a pig with lipstick... yep- still a pig".... So I decided to place the scarcrows in a different manner and embrace my dead landscaping.
So, Is it Fall ya'll....maybe not- but one can dream!

The Postman Steals My Coupons

Now I know this is a harsh accusation, but I have been doing some detective work on this subject for months... Let me walk down this scandalous path-

When we first moved here we had a great mail lady.. her name was Hope and we chatted on several occasions. I left her a Christmas gift in the box and she left me a thank you note.  A beautiful relationship in the making.. then it happened... Hope is NO longer our carrier (gasp)... We have a dude.. I do not know his name because he is a grumpy kind of guy.  Grumpy does not bother me... I live with Cade  ( kidding sweetheart)... ahem back to my story.  Well- here is when the suspicion kicked in..

One afternoon the neighbor girl had a friend over.. when he pulled out of the driveway, he was TEXTING - so moving forward we will refer to him as DUMAS- you can read between the lines.  Well Dumas hit our mailbox.. and it sounded as if the house was falling in- bricks crumbled.  Dumas was terrified... and never admitted to texting but the girl neighbor did... It took what seemed like forevah' to find someone to match the bricks and rebuild... so I had to have the post office hold our mail.... AND guess what... every coupon ever requested was there and it brought friends I didn't even know existed!  I know- SHOCKING... once our mailbox was fixed... no and I mean zilch coupons have appeared.  I could approach grumpy and ask him if his wife likes coupons... casually of course...OR I could walk my not so happy rump down to SmallTown, Alabama's postal hub and cause a scene and end up on the local forum.   I would say- they are going to find out what a red- headed temper is all about... but to be honest... it is nice and easy 112/ Natural Dark Auburn.. which is an entirely different subject.. Natural - really - comes out of box... I will bookshelf this one for later... oh I digress... but I still say the mailgrump steals my coupons... 

Mommy Said

So I keep thinking back to something that happened a few weeks ago and get tickled every time.  It was a Sunday afternoon and everyone had pretty much assumed our normal, lazy positions.  Cade was snoring on the couch, Mackenzie was laying over on the loveseat messing with her IPod & apparently getting her panties out of a literal wad , I was searching my favorite blogs for coupon deals and Walker was enjoying yet another edge of your seat viewing of Spy Kids... - OR so we thought... Here is the conversation:

Walker- Kenzie
Kenz-  implementing the classic "ignore" him move... ( impressive how well she has mastered this skill)
Walker- KENZIE!  - louder- much LOUDER
Kenz- What Walker?
Walker- You gotta pee pee?
Kenz- NO Walker
Walker- You touchin your hinney
Kenz- I am not Walker
Walker-uh huh.. Mommy said if you touch your hinney, you gotta go pee pee...
Kenz-I am not touching my hinney, WALKER
Walker- I sawed you and if you pee pee in your pants you are gonna be in twouble (voice of experience talking right there... he is sharing his knowledge)
Kenz- UGHHHH.... and stomps off. (I couldn't see her face, but I would bet my bottom dollar her eyes were rolling)
Walker- Mommy she had to go pee pee...
Mommy- Thank you for handling this for me Walker

Step Away From The Pleather...

So the little guy was ready to go back to preschool today after kicking a nasty bug he acquired over the weekend.  This gave me some free time to run the necessary errands and toodle around a bit.   I found myself with an extra hour, so what is a girl to do?  Go shopping of course.   I decided on Kohls because I have a beacon in my butt and I can find a clearance sale anywhere on this side of the Mississippi.   I started looking  in the misses department and I did find a "hip" ( I am cool like that) pair of bluejeans marked down to 13 bucks.. ok - SOLD... moving right along I entered the kids area.. OK- remember the beacon ... it must have a short in it because this area was a picked over disappointment.    hmmmm- still have time to kill... so I headed to the domestics or nicnac paddywack section, as I like to call it.   I picked up a really cute candlestick marked down 80% BUT I don't need it... so I put it back.   The trip was seriously hitting "this is the pits" level... I headed to the handbags... and then I about dropped my teeth... There was a woman - admiring and getting ready to put the purse in her cart... ahem... Let me draw you a picture.. it was brown... and PLEATHER and was only on sale for 30% off... HOLY MOSES...bite your tongue ... and stop looking at this train wreck.... In my mind I wanted to offer her the following guideline:
1. NEVER ever buy a pleather purse unless it is 80% off and you have a coupon...
2.  remember rule number one
I failed her, I chose to mind my own business.  I am ashamed... so with just a few more minutes to waste I strolled to the shoe department.... and it happened... ( angelic music inserted here)... they had shoes - in MY size for 90% off... I know for a fact-- that very second-- Cinderella was channeling me... and I answered..
THREE TIMES.... oh yea..

Problem Meet Solution

One of life's greatest pleasures is a hot bath filled to the rim with thick, foamy bubbles.   I find myself sneaking to the bathroom every evening attempting to escape from the little people and the husband for JUST 10 minutes..
Here- let me walk you through it ... Kids have been fed and the dishes are washed.  Step two- the kids are clean and in clean clothes.  Step three- the TV has been tuned into some disturbing characters that seem to have acquired their costumes from the day After Halloween sale.. but they are singing we need to share and be kind.. so I overlook the creepy factor.  Now... pay attention.. this is where it gets tricky... I fix myself a glass of ice Tea ( sweet tea- of course) and casually say "I am gonna hop in the tub- I will only be a few minutes".  I say this for not the three year olds benefit.. but for EVERYONE's benefit... and in HOPES to keep them from yelling and looking for me. ... I proceed to the bedroom and grab some ratty t-shirt and boxers ( what?  I am housewife.. who cares?) and make my way to promise land.   I turn on the hot water with just a touch of the cold to add the correct balance... I squirt as much as I see fit or as much as the day had dictated I need of body wash into the stream of water ****side note- Dial nutrisomething or another makes the most wonderful THICK bubbles that SHINE****  The water runs and I do the normal "check".. old here.. what the heck is going on there..  in the mirror.  I turn off the water and glide into the pool of good smelling quiet time... 3 minutes later ( general rule of thumb) the door opens and one of my loving family members is checking on me.  Nice!  Then it happens,  the pool of bubbles is just too tempting and it never fails- someone is going to stick their hands in my bathwater and grab a handful of bubbles.  This is a problem. BUT I found a solution.. and it works... wait for it.... I simply state that "I pee'd in this water"... Hand out- Problem Solved

( and of course NOT)

What's in a name?

So I found myself pondering what seemed like forever to come up with an appropriate name for this blog.  I mean, I didn't spend this much time naming the little people... well, I guess I did- I mean I had months to think about that big decision.  But this was different,  It is mine.. and I didn't have to ask the husband  "What do you think about Cleopatra?"  and watch his eyes roll back in his head.  This name had to count and stand for something  It didn't matter if kids would "pick" on it in the playground... It had purpose.   So... moving along
 (slowly- I will give you that).. I decided that anyone that knows me KNOWS I stand behind the following statement with conviction-

ALL HOUSEHOLDS SHOULD BE EQUIPPED WITH THREE THINGS:  CROCKPOT, VICKS SALVE AND THE MOST UNDERRATED PURCHASE YOU WILL EVER MAKE- THE MIGHTY PLUNGER.
 and so we have a name...

Welcome Mat v/s the Fancy Red Carpet

Doesn't really matter which one pick to make your grand entrance.... I am just glad your here!

So starting this blog brought up numerous questions for myself & endless options to explore... Here, Let me give you an example:
Should I use our real names or should I use pseudonyms to protect the innocent I call my family...I kicked this option around for like 30 minutes... and decided if I wanted to be called "Ginger" for writing purposes this would only add fuel to the fire when it comes to my husband.   He is already convinced I have a split personality and this would just be the icing on the cake as far as he would be concerned.... fast forward months of therapy and mounting debt to PROVE.. I am just ME.    So I scratched that "cool" idea.  I have made the executive decision ahem... yes EXECUTIVE decision... that each of us would "own" our actions.