Happy New Year

The New Year is approaching quickly... and with a New Year there are new hopes, dreams and changes.  That said, I am shutting down my blog.  It has been fun and it has made me happy.. but I need to focus on other things that are in need of my full attention.  
Thank you for reading and I hope at one point or another I could make you smile.
 I wish you all safe, healthy and prosperous new year.  I hope each of you can find your inner strength and determination to live a happy life.

Thank you again,
Jennifer

Wow- It's The Week Of Christmas

Wow- every year it seems Christmas gets here faster and faster... they say that comes with age- Since I have a birthday coming up - I am witnessing life at the speed of light now (which is less than impressive).  The children are home from school and the bickering has began, the ham and turkey are in the fridge waiting to be cooked and devoured.  The menu's are in place.  The baking is at an all time high, and the elastic waist pants are front in center of the closet.  The gifts are wrapped and placed lovingly under the tree. I have shared with others that are not as fortunate as my family this year.  It is time to breath and enjoy the magic and true meaning of the season.  I will not preach on my blog, too each their own- and I will not judge.   I will, however, stroll down memory lane and reflect on Christmas past.

HO HO HO and away we go-

Most of my memories take place at my grandparents house.  I have decided to make a top 10 list- I bet a few of mine match yours...
 1. A Full House- Our family was whole.  We were blessed to have all of our loved ones alive and with us under one roof.  Over time, we have lost members to failing health and age.  I had no idea as a child how I would long to relive special moments.  Had I known, I would have soaked in every single detail that was before me.
2. Fruitcake anyone?  Now I am not a fan of  "fruitcake or cannibalism" - BUT, my grandmother use to make a yummy one with condensed milk (I can and will eat a can of this-ahem -I could careless if anyone is looking)- Condensed milk is kinda like cream cheese...if it is part of the ingredients you KNOW it is gonna be good.  Anyways, this fruitcake was moist and rich- not your typical brick.  Why cannibalism? Hello- a bunch of fruitcakes eating fruitcakes..I thought that one was self explanatory.
3. My Grandmother in her apron- Ok- I have shared in the past that Ellen Roof was a fine cook back in the day and I have also shared how she didn't cook anything "fit to eat" if you asked her.  I can see her in marathon mode- whipping those dishes out, heating those rolls and dictating to her "girls" to get ice in the cups and see who wants "what" to drink.
4. The Blessing and Remembrance of the day- My granddaddy's job and he was good at it.
5. Which brings me to my next memory-  The Feast- oh, it was a feast fit for kings every year.  I was a child so I didn't have to "bring a dish".  That in itself is magical.  Someone brings you a plate- you eat- and enjoy.  ** Side note- somehow my sister got away with this tradition until two years ago- pretty cool magic trick right there- she is thirty-something- sigh**
6. Swapping of Gifts- Toys, Toys, and Socks or possible underwear (that is how I remember it).
7.  Idle Chatter at the table-  is it loud in here?- YES - it is.  After dinner and gift giving everyone would head back to the kitchen for dessert.  This is the time everyone would talk over each other- I know there was a half a dozen conversations going on at any one given time.  Charming - huh and it made my list.  *** another side note- this tradition still carries on loud and proud at any holiday, birthday, day of the week, time of day... doesn't matter***
8. Are there any Pecans left to pick up? - didn't see that one coming did ya?  Well, the Grands had a couple of pecan trees in the yard and we would go out with our Woolco/Kmart bags and start the search.  Hindsight, I now know this was a ploy for the smoking adults to sneak outside and burn one when granddaddy wasn't looking.  mmhmmm-
9. Do you remember?  Time to pull out some of the oldest photo albums that exist outside of a museum.   Pretty sure some of them were brought over during the potato famine- Irish to the core over here.
10. My Granddaddy Could Channel Bing-  This by far, is my favorite memory.  Every year, Granddaddy would sit at the head of the table and belt out " White Christmas".  The chatter stopped and everyone listened. He sounded just like Bing Crosby.  To this day, when it comes on the radio- I can not hold back the tears.  I miss this one - more than any of the others. My granddaddy made an impression on me and I had NO idea at the time.  I think he knows now.

 I hope I could remind you of your memories and made you smile.  I know I have grinned and dropped a few tears today- happy tears.
That said, I wish you all a Safe, Healthy and Very Merry Christmas.
Jennifer

Meet Beth

Did you have a favorite toy?  I did.  Her name was Baby Beth.   She was a little blond, with a pink knit cap and sweater.  She had a material body with tiny flowers on the rump to simulate a diaper.  OH, How I loved my Baby Beth.  She was hands down the best toy ever!  As an adult, I have thought about her from time to time.. like when Mackenzie was a little tot she carried around a particular baby everywhere she went
 (the good old days before she thought Barbies and babies were for BABIES- rolls eyes). Well, one day baby no name was a little too dirty for my liken'... so when Mackenzie sat her down, I tossed her in the washing machine.  Fast Forward 20 minutes and baby no name had no head.  Sheer panic came over me. I know about toy attachment- I experienced the same for Baby Beth. ** As I did the "holy crap" dance in my kitchen - your familiar with it, we have all done this dance- and paced back and forth, I came up with a plan**  At the time, me and the husband were just dating, but I called him asking for assistance in this matter.  He drove from Montevallo, while Mackenzie was a sleep and attached the dolls head.  She had no idea that I had decapitated her baby.  All was right in the world of baby dolls again.  

This past year, for my anniversary present the husband located an Original Baby Beth.  He packed her up in a box inside our luggage as we headed for Vegas - our original knot tying spot- with a letter to the TSA agents to please not "gut" her while looking for drugs that it was a present for his unsuspecting wife.

  (I KNOW- Pretty COOL huh?- he put a lot of thought into that)  I have never been so surprised in my life, except maybe when I found out Walker was a butter bean in the ol' oven- THAT DID SHOCK THE FOOL OUT OF ME! Huh... come to think of it, he is responsible for both surprises, well I be darned.   Anyways, it was a huge, well executed surprise.  

Why is this on my mind?  Well as we all get caught up in the Christmas rush- do you ever stop to think, this toy... pause inserted here... could be the one?  The one that provides security at night and comfort during the day for the special child on your list... IS that the toy the child will remember and automatically smile about as an adult?  As you shop, may you make memories to last your family a lifetime!

Later, My friend

Occupational Hazard

This past week, I was getting dressed to attend a funeral.  One of my oldest friends sent her grandmother home to be with her husband and the angels.  While I was in the bathroom knocking the dust off of some of my old "work clothes", Walker was hanging out with me and running his cars up and down the side of the bathtub.  Normal stuff- less the "work clothes".  I proceeded to put on my face and blow dry my hair.  He continued to play.  I went to the bedroom and came back with a pair of tights... I implemented my yoga moves to get them on and make them somewhat comfortable or as comfortable as a vise can be...then I pulled on my skirt and messed with my hair.  Walker, pulling himself from the line of traffic he had created said with disgust- "YOUR FEET ARE DIRTY"..... I looked down at him and decided to ignore him... (or attempt to ignore him- it is my prerogative as a parental unit to use this "tool")... He continued "Mommy, you gots dirty feet!"... ( thinking to self- WHAT THE HECK IS HE TALKING ABOUT?)  I told him my feet were clean and he said "they are black".  Wham- It hit me... so I hiked up my skirt so he could see my legs and explained to him that I was wearing "tights".  His eyes grew large and he said "that is really, really big socks" 
Yes, Walker- really big socks!

So I am left wondering after this innocent conversation what is more sad... the fact that he thinks I walk around with dirty feet or the fact that he has never seen me dressed up... sigh.... He is almost four so I will go with the latter.  It is an occupational hazard as a stay at home mom :(

Remember This?

Remember in October when I told you about the little freebie for Breast Cancer Awareness from P&G?  Well, that sucker arrived yesterday... every time I pull out this pot- it will be a friendly reminder to take care of myself for my children.  Did you get yours?  I hope so!

My Smut Radar Went Off When I Watched Hee Haw

 Reality TV is pretty much on all channels at one point or another... and I will bashfully admit I am drawn to a couple that fall into the "smut" TV category.   Now "smut" reality is different from the "GREAT" reality shows and there are a few of them out there.. naming one "The Biggest Catch".  That show is fantastic.  I have been following the captains for years now.  It deserves a post of its own....so that said, I will continue on with my "smut" thoughts.
At night, when the kiddos are in bed it is not unheard of to catch me watching The Housewives of so and so (insert whatever city here) or Jerserylicious... (blue eye shadow has indeed made a come back up north and it brought its friend aquanet).  If you want to find out just how dull your life is and be grateful for it... tune into to watch one of these little jewels.  Have Mercy!  Anyways, one night I was watching Sarah Palin whack the plumb fool out of some halibut and a commercial came on for "Bama Belles"- this sent my "smut" radar off. (Note to self- I must watch this show!)
The grand premier was Sunday night... and I feel the need to give you a punch list of the highlights - for it held up to my "smut" expectations...
Here ya go...
1. The pack of gals are located in South Alabama.
2 .All packs have an alpha - it took me all of 10 seconds to figure out who she was- Amie ** I feel the need to insert a little commentary at this point** In my opinion, I am pretty sure she has single handedly destroyed the image of a "southern lady"...  which brings me to number 3 on our list-
3. Cow Sugar-   One of the first scenes is Amie and another pack member Jana... she is showing Jana the fine art of letting a cow (pause inserted here to show disgust) ahem... YES, a cow take a cracker out of your mouth. (MORE commentary here- NOW I have lived in the Great state of Alabama my entire life- I have never nor do I intend on letting a cow take food out of my mouth.  "Cow Sugar" is not normal.  I am sure, as with all animals- if the COW could reach its rear end it would lick it like other animals **just something to think about**  This is not a normal "Belle" activity- just so everyone understands").
4. Spraying a Yankee with Deer Pee- ok, that was a little funny
5. One Pack members boat business is not a float  (sorry for the pun)so she tried for a  promotion in sales for bladder pacemakers... never heard of it, probably needed.  I am really sorry- she did not get the job...(shakes head in confusion)
6. Mother In Law From Hell Comes For a Visit- self explanatory as far as I am concerned.
7. Cowboys and Indians Party for a GROWN man- main course- Jello Shooters
8. Yankee has her eye on a cowboy hottie -  Harlequin Romance had a hand in this scene
9. Biker, Dakata is back from somewhere and she does not like the Yankee girl- (saw that coming)
10. Yankee girl actually thinks all southern or Alabama people live in shacks, she refers to us as "country" (some harsh truth to that after she has been exposed to the "Belles")
Did you watch it?  Did I leave anything out?   I think it is safe to say, that about sums it up- as you can see, this is edge of your seat entertainment.  It is the new HeeHaw.  I will be tuning in again because who doesn't like a little "smut" with their sweet tea and "COW SUGAR".
BYE YA'LL

Any Ideas?

Yes- that is me... saying "HMMMMM"! (some how the new "green bulbs" don't give the same effect)


I have never been one that was big on "surprises"... I know, that is terrible.  Maybe it is because I am a Capricorn - they say this "sign" likes to "posses authority and be in control".  IF you put stock in the stars this could factor into my inability to appreciate anticipation.  The husband knows this... and he loves this time of year to dangle the "clues" and watch me act like a cat chasing a flashlight.  So painful.  Now this is not a new trait I have developed, I have been this way my entire life.  I was the nosy kid looking in the far corners of closets to get a glimpse on the goods.  I have even been known to wait until my mom left for work - go under the tree- unwrap a present.... PUT it on and WEAR IT to school.  Then, come home, take it off- rewrap carefully and place it back to its original spot under the tree before she got home from work.  Classic- me!  One year, I found a bottle of perfume about a month before Christmas and took the bottle out of the original box- spritzed it everyday until school was out for the holidays... and placed it back where I found it.  Freakin' Houdini- no one knew.  Before I had children, no one was able to have surprises ( if I knew about it) because I could not take the fact THEY DIDN'T KNOW.- I would drop hints as subtle as bricks upside the heads to the intended party.  As a result, no one told me anything once they knew I was a blabber mouth- BUT I found things in my scavenger hunts... pitiful.  Now that I have kids, I understand the element of surprise and how much fun it is to "give" surprises... My lips are sealed and I will not give up the secrets..  AS long as it does not involve "me".

Why did I stroll down memory lane with you?  Well, last night the husband called all "giddy" about his purchase for yours truly.   He was ubber excited and soon came the hints.  Here is what I have to work with- and I gotta tell ya- this year I can't pinpoint it.  I need your help!  Ready?

1. It has to come thru customs to get here

2. It is coming from the Europe area ( WTH?)

3. It is larger than a paper towel roll ( I know- why did ask that?- what is wrong with the breadbox analogy?)

4. It comes with a guarantee I will love it.

5. Several people involved

6. Freshwater fish and it is NOT an aquarium..

Seriously- WHAT IS IT?  I know he is all proud of himself... he loves to pull one over on me.  Now keep in mind while you are figuring this out- I am not the only prankster in this family... it is quite possible that some of these hints are obscure enough that they "could" teeter on "false statements".  I have no way of knowing this.  So let's review- here is what we know OR What we think we know..

It is not in the United States, I will like it, it is a modest size, it's fishy and it took a village ( less the idiot- I live here) to send it this way...

OK friends.. I am waiting on your ideas!

Sleep

So the topic today is "sleep".  Let's face it... it is important.  Allow me to share my journey into my restless, vegetated state of mind.
As a teenager- I could sleep.  I had no idea what a luxury I was experiencing every weekend.  NO IDEA.  Time passed and I "grew" up.  As a childless adult, I could sleep.  Again, no idea what a luxury I had.  Fast forward ten years and I am introduced to "motherhood".  Mackenzie was a good sleeper for the most part unless she was sick.  Mackenzie stayed sick the 1st year and 1/2 of her life (see the problem)... so I learned "how to sleep" sitting up in a rocker.  As a single, working parent that lived 100 miles away from the closest relative, I became a "living zombie".  I coped but it wasn't easy.   When Mackenzie turned two, I had tubes put in her ears... and WHAM- a miracle happened- we actually began sleeping the entire night.  What a glorious, majestic occurrence.  This time around I did NOT take it for granted.  I got up with the chickens but I slept the entire nights.  I can give up "sleeping in" for that to happen.  Harmony (the angels sing)!  Time passed and I became pregnant.  For those of you who have never been pregnant I can tell you this- you are tired the first few months and exhausted the last ones... the joke here is you can not sleep because you have morphed into a human blimp... not an overweight blimp that gives when you lay on it... but a rock hard blimp.  No tummy sleeping... I like tummy sleeping.. So months eight and nine...I encountered the very little sleep mode again.
February rolled around in 2007 and Walker arrived.  Walker had colic.  I am not sure how to explain this but it made my time with Mackenzie when we lived in Huntsville seem like a walk in the park, on a lovely sunny day, with the birds chirping and flowers in bloom.  SIGH!  My baby boy did not sleep for more than 30 minutes (DAY OR NIGHT) at a time.  It was a situation, I would not wish on anyone- pause inserted here- not even Obama.   (mmhmmm- it was terrible)  I turned to antidepressants to keep me grounded and from running away.  I watched for a "turning point" but it did not happen.. he turned one- and the sleep pattern was established.  He turned two- and he still got up several times a night.  When he finally turned three he would get up once a night-  MANAGEBLE!  Now my little darling sleeps all night, most nights.  But I can't.  My immediate response is "What in the sam hill is going on" (Thank you Scout, I love this southern phrase)?  What a cruel joke.  I got up and took care of my kids for years...I should have earned the right to be able to sleep an entire night.  Alas, that is not the case.  I have returned to my vegetated state.  I have nothing against vegetables-  I love me some peas and carrots.  However, Vegetables eventually rot... and there is the bad news my friends.  Just sayin'

Oh Lawd...

You see that?  Yep, it's a small, red, velvet bow that belongs on the tip of the family Christmas tree.  Seems innocent enough, don't ya think?  UNLESS IT MAKES ITS WAY INTO THE MAGIC BOX WITH THE DIRTY LAUNDRY....(breathing hard) AND GETS WASHED...(heart palpitations)..AND TURNS EVERYTHING PINK!  Lawd have mercy-
 So I asked my children if they knew how something like this could happen and do you know what they said?   ahem....(shocker here- brace yourself) They blamed my two "invisible" children "I don't know" and "not me"... When I looked over my glasses at the oldest one (my perturbed look), she said "It could be Elvis the Elf".... well sure, what was I thinking?.. it was the magic ELF that does not arrive until December 1st.  Let's go ahead and blame him... *** not her smartest move if you ask me since he is a direct pipeline to the ol' Jolly one***  (rolls eyes)
So, in conclusion.. I have no answers, I am irritated at my (clears throat) ELF, and the husband has a  drawer full of pink underwear.  Bad ELF!

It's A Gift

This is the time of year I like to pay special attention to teaching my children "the act of giving".  If you have a little, you should give a little.  If you have a lot, you should give a lot.  Simple rule of thumb.  This year,my crew will be giving a few toys to a local church for a family in our area. We are making gift bags for elderly shut-ins and sending personal items to Jimmy Hale/Jesse's place.  I have a large stockpile of toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo, lotions, anything a person could need really- that I never pay more than a few cents for after coupons... This is the time to put all that effort to good use.

NOW- do not get me wrong, I am NO saint and to prove that point allow me to share a conversation I had with myself a few days ago:

For this to be the hap-happiest time of the year...everyone sure is pushy or in a hurry.  Now, as a rule I have zero patience for tailgaters...they tick me off.  I get a mild case of road rage.  In hurry buddy? "Should have left a little earlier" is my line of thinking.
So I was toodlin' down the road (going the speed limit or like 2 OVER- ahuh.. I was flying) and I felt the presence of an unwanted visitor  (pause inserted here for dramatic effect) IN MY TRUNK!  Since the kids were not with me, and it was a two way street, I decided to push my luck and slow down... yep- way DOWN  (that'll teach em').   I like living on the edge and during this day & age I was playing my own little game of Russian roulette.  As I poked on down the road (in complete control of the situation & unnaturally satisfied with the current outcome), I noticed I had backed up traffic.  Seems a lot of people were out and about enjoying the cool breeze and sunshine.  Then it became growingly apparent that I was the only one that did not have an appointment or a hard core agenda to address... hmmmm.  I mean, I have important stuff to do.  I am a mom.  This house just doesn't stock itself with food.  I also need my therapy... albeit retail therapy... but therapy none the less.. and that is really important and I have limited time to work this in without children.  (sighing)..... Let me ask you this... Have you ever been the victim of a horn attack?  ok- Victim is harsh word... but my house of cards I strategically built to stop the tailgater had turned ugly... it wasn't HIM honking.. it was someone behind HIM.***commentary in my head "What a bunch of Grumps!  Are you honking at me?  Oh NO, you didn't!  If I have to pull this car over and knock you upside the head with my coupon binder, bet you won't be honking that blanking horn again! and so on and so on".***
So in the spirit of giving... I am presenting a gift to ALL of the TAILGATERS and HONKERS out there.. (drumroll- please)
 IT IS A"SIT AND SPIN"....(raspberry inserted here)

Junk Mail Into Treasure Maps

As most of you know, I am NOT a fan of the mail grump.  He takes my coupons and he leaves the junk mail.  Everyday, we get some sort of buy this, try that and you could be the next big winner junk papers.  So today after Walker and I collected the "mail"... we sat down and took turns browsing our new garbage.  I rolled one of them up and instantly we became PIRATES.  Sure did!  We had a treasure map of sorts... and we each had a telescope stick thingy to look for sharks, other pirates... and storms that could be brewing in the far west. The best part of the deal was we could keep saying "Ahoy Matey"... about a hundred times - over and over and over again!  We came up with names.. He was Pirate "Walker"- WHAT?  He is three, cut him a little slack... and I was Pirate "Mommyhook" ( I'll take credit for that one- giggle). We played and we played.  I asked him what we were going to find when we located the treasure, could it be gold?... and his response was "treasure".  It occurred to me he has no idea what treasure is.. it's just something he has heard on TV via Dora.  No problem... we will just look for "treasure"... after all, treasure is in the eyes of the beholder much like beauty.  My "treasure" would be an empty clothes hamper and a new, shiny, large capacity, colorful crockpot from JCPennys (just incase the husband needs another reminder for my birthday). ahem...well, to each her own (crickets chirping- not impressed with my wish list I see).   
So todays lesson is simple... one most of us forget... Imagination is the best toy you can give your kiddos... Now if I could just imagine this house clean..... ( thinking hard- and squinting)- ah- I got nothing!

It's A Scientific Conclusion...

Walker is the most stubborn child in the world.  He will drive you absolutely insane trying to reason with him when he has his mind made up.  Most days, I pick my battles.  Today- not in the mood.  I am the mom and I said so should be sufficient.  I will not argue about fast forwarding a commercial that is "real" time.  I will not debate on whether or not Darth Vader is a bad guy or a good guy.  I will not discuss the speed limit with the back seat driver.  It is this type of dialogue that continues in this house - day in and day out.   It will wear you down.  Now don't get me wrong, Mackenzie has her own stubborn streak.. but Walker's is ground breaking and enough to make you bite your nails to the nubs or bang your head into the wall.  So I got to thinking... WHY IS HE SUCH A MULE?  Since inquiring minds want to know.. I did some research.  In order to make a mule... you need a horse ( a young filly) -blushing...AHEM.... and a Jackass...  WELL, there you have it!  There is my answer.

Whoops!

I am not a great cook.  I admit it.   It is a shame because I watched my grandmother as a child growing up and unfortunately.. I didn't catch on to the southern measuring systems- a dash here, a smidge there, and a dollop is a gracious plenty.  I try and I try.  Pan after dirty pan - nothing spectacular.  My family has adapted, if you want to call it that.  They have activated the "ranch rescue" method.  I have a house full of DIPPERS- A big dipper and two little ones.  I feel as if it should bother me that they reach for the ranch before they even taste what has been set before them.  ( sigh)  I mean, I would NEVER serve them anything I wouldn't eat.  Unfortunately for them I am not a picky eater.  
So I make it a point to keep an ample supply of their condiment of choice on hand... I think it is better to eat a ranch covered spoon full of broccoli than not eating it at all... until  today, I forgot to check the stockpile.  Call it passive aggressive if you must, WE ARE OUT of ranch ( whoops).
Did I mention I am a kicking BAKER?  Oh yes- I can make peanut butter fudge and brownies that will make you sing hallelujah... it's true!
SO I say... in light of this new development... Let them eat cake!

It Happens Every Year About This Time...

So I am nothing if not predictable.  Every year about this time, I get the itch to start pulling out the Christmas pretties and make my home a "vision" of sugar plums for all to see.  I get that we have not celebrated Thanksgiving ( pause) and I feel bad about that.  I don't think Thanksgiving is any less a holiday than Christmas.. it's just a ceramic turkey and a pilgrim here or there are not ... appealing to my decorative eye.  I need GLITZ, SHINY... I need twinkly lights.  I need hundreds and hundreds of twinkly lights.  So I have a plan... tomorrow I am going to pop a turkey into the oven (mmmmmm- yum).  This will ensure my family still understands we have so many blessing to be thankful for and I am NOT overlooking the importance of  Thanksgiving... BUT while that sucker is cooking for like... HALF A DAY... I am going to start decking the halls.. FA LA LA LA LA people... Fa la la la la!
Now decorating takes a lot of time, energy and effort... so that said I see nothing wrong with pulling out ONE tree this weekend.  To get ahead of the curve, of course.  I always put up two.  A fancy, smancy one in my living room that is so beautiful it gives me heart palpitations... and a traditional one in my den.  The den tree consist of ornaments my children have made over the years and special occasions we have shared.  IT is a regular ol' string the pop corn kind of a tree.  Charming in its own right....
The living room one is my target in the morning.  I love that tree!  I will pull the blinds so the neighbors will not think I am a nut job... and wait for the big reveal the day after Thanksgiving...  No one will KNOW... no one... except you.  Shhhhh..... So do you RUSH the holidays in your home?  Doesn't a turkey sandwich sound yummy?  Tis the season my friends... Tis the season!

The Not-So-Happy Meal

OH- I am on my soap box. (This is your warning- so feel free to leave at this time) At what point does the government STOP telling people what to do or how to raise their children?   There has to be a point where this happens... so what is it? And when you can figure it out.. let's make sure California gets the memo...
Today's Topic- Taking the Toys out of Happy Meals until they are stuffed with carrots and radishes. YEP!
Have you seen this?  Some fruitcakes in California are working on banning "toys" from happy meals because the food inside the cute little "house" boxes is fattening. Well, DUH!  Did any of us not know this?  Do we need someone that doesn't have enough sense to move from a state that will end up in the ocean telling us this?  Do we?  Did you know the happy meal was introduced in 1979... YES, the concept has been around 31 years. Did you know 20 billion have been sold since that time?  mmmhmmmm....Do you have atleast ONE fond memory surrounding a happy meal?  I bet you do.  Did you collect any of the little trinkets?  I bet you did.  Remember the hamburglar?  Yea, he was cool.  That's right... you are hearing me right.  I say, long live the happy meal.  It is a dining treat for children of all ages... It is as American as Apple Pie ( pie- is that against the law too?)
 Now, McDonald's has tried to appease everyone by offering little packs of apple slices instead of fries.  You no longer have to order a soft drink with the meal... you can get low-fat milk.  Most of them have a nasty-a** playground for kids to play in that will assist in burning off the calories they take in.. As a parent, I like to have these choices... AS A PARENT.  Does that mean I am going to make my kids eat an apple with their nuggets?  NO, I am not.  It is my job to make sure the fruits and veggies are worked in.. but I am not going to take away their fries.  I wouldn't want anyone to take mine.  It is common sense that fast food, in most cases, is not the healthy choice.  That is why we do not eat it everyday.  Once a week, (sometimes less) works for my crew.  Moderation is the key... not total abandonment.  My kids look at it as a "special" meal... not one we serve up everyday.
So California, you can keep your tofu unhappy meals...and in the "name of health"...how about doing something about the image your state portrays via Hollywood to young girls... pretty sure NOT eating and anorexia is just as dangerous as obesity.   Stay cozy in that glass house and hug a tree.

89 Years Young!

So Tuesday was my grandmother's birthday.  She is now an amazing 89 years young. I have been shamed because I failed to call her on her actual birthday.  We celebrated on Saturday, but I should have called on the actual day... I was busy crying and sick with worry over the fact that Walker had upcoming surgery.  Is it an excuse?  Yes, it is.. and like I said, I feel terrible about it.  I had tunnel vision and I was selfish.   Now, I know she will never read this because she doesn't understand computers or the internet.. but I owe her a tribute because she is one of a kind.  Allow me to share a few details of our lives together:

My kids call her Ellen "Roof"... or her proper name Ellen Ruth, because when Mackenzie was a baby she got confused when I referred to her as "grandmother"...  She taught kindergarten for over 30 years at a church that resided next door to her house. She walked to work, rain or shine.   She touched so many young little lives. She has patience like no other or she did.. now she will put you in your place in a New York minute- but she has earned that right and it cracks me up a little bit to see her so feisty.   When her health allowed, she was at church every time the doors were opened.  Wednesday night dinners... you name it, she was there with her pot luck dish.  She use to cook the most amazing Sunday lunches for everyone... most of the time it was roast with rice, black eyed peas,and coconut cake for dessert ... Always stating it wasn't fit to eat... but there was never any food going begging at the end of the meal.  Modesty at its best.

 I can remember sitting on the kitchen counter when I was a little girl "helping" her cook.  I can also remember her letting a naughty word slip every now and again... and her covering her mouth in shame... and saying "I don't normally talk like that BUT...."   I wonder how many times you can get away with letting a blooper out and not be a normal use of your vocabulary..a bunch if you are my grandmother.  Ol' Ellen Ruth is the original prize patrol.  As a child, she spoiled me and my siblings with little goodies and tasty Little Debbies every single time she came to our house.  She was at our house A LOT!  We got a lot of prizes.  (smiling- remembering what a little delight that was as a child).  I have picked up on this trait, good, bad or indifferent... I am guilty of the spoiling when it comes to my children...

 I stayed at the grands most weekends... I wrapped myself up in the mothball smelling quilts (OH - I love that smell to this day) and piled up on the couch with my granddaddy flipping the remote from channel to channel ** as someone who lived through the depression- this was the most amazing invention and/or luxury since sliced bread** His remote got a workout. No commercial was safe or viewed.  Most nights we ended up watching Carol Burnett and/ or Lawrence Welk.   Grandmother would not sit still long enough to watch the entire shows.. she was busy piddlin in the kitchen and making down the beds for the upcoming nights slumber.  She is the original ADHD child.  Busy, Busy, Busy or looking for something to make herself busy.  Don't get me wrong, Ellen Ruth is no push over... the floor plan of their house was a circle.. den, kitchen, master bedroom, hallway, living room and back to the den..Why is this important?  Well, She would go outside to get a "hickory" on days that I was a bratty child - I would watch her through the window as she pulled a switch off the tree and strip the leaves off (cussing- but not normally talking like that - to herself) and march back into the house, a whippin' it in the air... I would run around the "circle" with her chasing me... ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND WE WOULD GO ... I have to laugh now... I can hear her yelling

 "Jimmy, I need you to say something to this child"  "JIMMY-  did you hear me?"... Granddaddy would silently and stealth like sneak downstairs to the basement to commence in his own act of piddlin'.  An act I witnessed often.- confrontation was unheard of most of the time, in front of the "children".  (This is also something Cade and I try to adhere to with the raising of our own.)  Bless her heart, grandmother is human like the rest of us.. and she has her limits.  Oh there are so many, many fond memories.  She is and was a catalyst in making sure, we had a great childhood.

So today, I introduce my grandmother to you. The original pillow owner.  A great love of my life, a blessing to everyone she meets. A true southern lady that doesn't mind getting hands dirty to take care of business.  When I grow up, I want to be just like her... and that is the best compliment I can offer..

  Happy 89 Years Young, Ellen Roof!  I love you...

The Husband

So today is the husband's birthday.  In dog years he is like 1736 years old or atleast some days he acts like it.  As I type this, he is still snuggled up, all warm and toasty in the bed.  I however, have been up.  We have to have one responsible adult in this house.. and I drew the short stick.  I have been up since 6:15 to make sure the big one gets ready for school without skipping steps i.e. brushing teeth or brushing the back of her hair even though she can't see it.. others can.  Important stuff like that.  I have had coffee, put on my fake face, fixed my weedeater haircut, fed the shrimpy baby,supervised the said shrimpy baby while he got dressed, fought the sock demon, packed his lunch, changed purses and unloaded the dishwasher.  The only thing left to do is brush our teeth and head for the door.  Yes, I am the responsible parental unit and that is my gift to the GOOBER.  You can feel free to sleep without me nagging about blown lightbulbs that were not suppose to blow since they are the GREEN, last forever, pay more upfront, dark when you first turn them on, lower energy bills, crappy lightbulbs.  I will not nag about the garbage that needs taken to the cans.  I will not nag that you drank my last, ice cold mountain dew.  I will not nag that you need a hair cut in the worst possible way... and I will not comment that it is taking on a toupee gone wrong look.   I will not nag that you think a serving of cookies is the entire package in one sitting.  I will not make ugly remarks about the mancave being the most disgusting place on earth. NOPE- today I will not nag you... but fear not, this change is temporary.
So Happy Birthday to my husband, the father of my children and the man I look forward to growing old with.
All My Love,
Iris

Leaping Lizards Batman!!!

I know it is just Thursday but it feels like someone snuck in an extra day or two this week.  I really don't have anything exciting to report.  It is chilly outside.. that is a new feature.  Mackenzie lost her TV privileges and Walker has started picking up his toys in the evening without being asked (shocked beyond words). Oh Yea... I caught a lizard.

Here is the lizard story:

A day or two ago, Walker and I headed to the Living Room at 3:00 to wait on the school bus.  Every single day, you can set your watch to our "play date".  This one is GUARANTEED to happen no matter what else is going on in our lives.  We play a combination of transformers and toy story.  Most of the time we play with them together.  They are our little toy family.  Optimus Prime is the daddy, Woody is the mom ( not sure how that happened but Walker makes the rules in this game), Bumble Bee is the teenage son, Buzz is the little boy, and soft Buzz (or bedtime Buzz, as I call him) is Mackenzie.  We act out dinner time, the big kids getting on the bus, pretend they are going to Publix, and I sit back in amusement as Walker asserts his authority repeating things he has been told time and time again to correct his toy children. Well, that is our NORMAL play date I just described.  Tuesday afternoon, for the first time since school has started... our play date was interrupted and NOT in a good way.

Stay with me if you will:

We were pulling out our toys and I happened to glance at the window.  I saw a lizard.  Now, at first I thought it was outside.... but after further investigation... I soon realized that sucker was actually in the house.  UH OH!  OK- I am a profession lizard catcher during the summer months, when we are outside.  When it doesn't matter if it gets away.  When I have a net and cage to put them in.  It is different.  It is a lot different.  When the lizard is outside there is no way it can make its way to our bed, in the middle of the night and start doing whatever lizards do when I am asleep.   ( Your catching on -  I am pleased that you are feeling my sense of urgency during this dilemma-Good to know I am not the only one that doesn't want a lizard popping by in the middle of the night... mmmhmmm) Back to the story-My mind was running in a million different directions, when Walker spotted the "Yizard"..  It was Christmas morning for the young tot.  Thinking to myself, I decided I needed a few tools before I jumped in to capture the monstrous beast.  I trotted to the kitchen and pulled out my fancy smancy dish gloves- perfect!  Ok, I needed a cage or atleast a bowl.  I rummaged through the drawers like a drug feign in search of her next high.  NO TOPS FIT THE FREAKIN' BOTTOMS!!!  Why does this happen?  Walker screams from the living room... "MOMMY, THE YIZARD IS MOVING!"... ok- I really needed a bowl.  I finally located a matching set and tore off to the other room to save my young or attempt to hand over the newly anticipated toy.  I stopped again before I made it into the other room, It needed air holes.  I headed back to the kitchen and popped a couple holes in my bowl... Perfection.   When I walked back into the living room, Walker was in a crouching tiger, hidden dragon position.  He had the "yizard" in his crosshairs.  I put my dish gloves on, I was ready for combat.  All of a sudden the house was LOUD... really loud... the noise was unbearable.  It sounded like a posse of 9 year old little girls in the midst of a spend the night party.  Then it hit me... the squealing was coming from me... all me.... (ahem -well, that's embarrassing).  I tried to compose myself... and concentrate on catching the varmint.  I moved a decorative suitcase, a footstool and WHAM!  BANG!  WHAM AGAIN!.... (thinking to myself- I GOT YOU NOW GIECO!)... I reached in, concentrating on the "tail" area and hoping it would not snap off... dramatic pause inserted here... I GOT HIM... I GOT HIM... EEEEEEE I GOT HIM!  Then I realized my bowl was not open... I had the wiggly lizard in one hand and a closed bowl in the other (note to self... your an idiot).   Ummm, "Walker I need your help- Can you open the bowl for mommy so you can keep the lizard?"  I gotta tell ya, the crocodile hunter would have been so proud.  Team Work Makes The Dream Work.

Good Night and Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bite...

Pause... Really?

So me being me.... I thought I would post a few random items I have ran across during my Christmas Shopping on the Internet.  I know as you look at this, you can't help but be a little grateful that you are not related to me OR you could be gifted the gift you can't regift.    Enjoy, and if you can figure out the frog... I am all ears.

Vanity an issue?  This is COOL-  Pistol Packing Momma that can get her hair under control!

A Knitted Frog Dissection...WHY?

Are you mad at someone?  Recently divorced?  This will show em'

 

Do you have a gardener in your life?  Do they like Syfy?  Well, If you do... I have the perfect Idea for you.   Give them a "Big Foot Spotting.... In the radish garden?"  Really?

My Favorite... A Pizza Cutter For "Him".... This one is useful...
So what have you found to wrap under the tree?

It's Large, It's Pink And He Is Driving Around Town With It

Remember the Swag... ummm yea.  Ok, So I got another email "offering" up a few more goodies.  Well- I'll take it.  This time it had one of those "HUGE" magnets that attach to a car door.  OH, Say it ain't so... I must have one of those.  So I ordered it.  Free, of course.  Immediately my mind goes to work thinking of a diabolical plan to embarrass those around me... I could simply place it on my car door  (snooze- Boring!)... or I could stick it to the front of the golf cart and drive to the mailbox with it (blah)... OR I could place it on the passenger side of the HUSBAND's Truck door.  Did you notice I said "passenger's side"?...uh huh... now your with me.  He will NOT see it... no telling how long he could potentially drive around with a billboard on the side pimping my site.  Oh, it is a beautiful plan.  One for the books.

I began stalking the front door every afternoon waiting for my potential "plan" to arrive.  The pacing, the impatience that was mounting - day after day around 2:00 I did this dance.  Finally, a brown beautiful box with my name on it arrived. WOOHOO!  I carefully opened the package to inspect the magnet of fun.  PERFECT!  Now, I had to sneak it down the stairs, out the garage door and stick that sucker on the side of his vehicle.  It could have been tricky, especially with the little guy.. but I bribed him with a hot wheels (to buy his silence). Hot Wheels are an effective form of currency with a three year old little boy.

** thinking to self...why do I look for things that will shake the apple cart?... because it is fun!  Am I setting a bad example for my children?  nah...  Could I get a call one day reporting they got caught rolling someone's yard?  OK- that one is possible... but the threat is not enough to stop me with my advertising scheme**

At this point, the husband is clueless.. it has been done... he is driving around with a LARGE, PINK Magnet on the side of his man ride.  Will he read this post?  Yea, he will.. too little too late... ( Evil Laugh Inserted Here) Do I fear he will kill me?  Not a chance,  he likes clean underwear...

Meet The Dippers

So I said I would not write about this... but I gotta tell ya... it is too good not to share.
Here is the story-
Today I received a phone call from a close girlfriend.  Because I value our friendship, I will most definitely change the names... We will call her Tiffany. We were tight when we were in school, so it warms my heart that we are still in touch with each other after 20 years.  It is special ( stares up and takes a pause to appreciate this rare gift).
So let me tell ya a little about Tiff.  She is a hard worker, a loving mother and wife.  Tiff is also a funny little character, her sense of humor is priceless.  She is beautiful.  Tiff's heart is huge and because of this... we have a perfect little tale to tell.... ( oh it's good and there is a lesson in it- yep, a twofer).
A short time back she was at the ballpark and a woman walked up with a tiny little puppy.  Now, true to form, Tiff made a comment of how adorable it was and asked if it was a great pyrenees.  The woman explained to Tiff that she actually found the puppy.  She continued on how the pup was eaten up with fleas and was in a fine mess... but she bathed her and made attempts to get the little darling back on track.  Then the woman went in for the kill... She saw that Tiff was a perfect target... she asked her if she wanted the little dog.  SIDE NOTE- MOVING FORWARD we will refer to Tiff as "Sucker"....
So my friend Sucker, called her husband to tell him about the pup and basically tell him they are about to have another addition to their family farm ( its not a barn farm.. it's a ... oh they are so cute... let's take it home farm.. Tiff, I mean Sucker does not discriminate..they have chickens, goats, cats and dogs.. possibly an elephant and hoot owl since I hung up the phone with her this afternoon).  So her husband apparently gave in and the dog now has a new home.
Sucker worked on nursing the little dog back to health.. but something was not right and she was not eating.  So.... allow me to say upfront... No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.... her husband took the pup to the vet and found it had a urinary infection.  But that is not all folks, the visit turned out to be quite educational.    Allow me to share this knowledge with you.  Apparently there are two types of mange.  The kind dogs get that stays within their own species... and the kind that can spread to humans... (you with me?).   YEP.... again, no good deed goes unpunished.  He called to break the news, but before he could bring himself to tell her they may all need to get dipped ( ok- I added that for effect)... he rattled off a grocery list of things they MUST get immediately.
 Here is the list:
Clorox Spray
Lysol Spray
Clorox Wipes
Lysol Wipes
Clorox
Lysol
Yep, pretty much everything in the clorox and lysol product line needed to be had... quickly, post haste, pronto, NOW!
Now.... Like I said, Tiff has a great sense of humor... she has too.. because she chose to tell ME, of all people.. about this little hellish nightmare she is living.  She has washed her hands till they are raw.. but she has not given up on that puppy. ( Let's all take a moment to reflect on that humanity)... I, in turn, did not want to disappoint her.  I wanted to offer her some support and understanding... So I told her the only thing I knew to do..... it's sage advice...Get everyone flea collars.
There is a lesson here folks and it has nothing to do with mange... ( drumroll please)
 Pick your friends wisely


** I love ya Tiff...**

The Prize Patrol

Ed McMahon?  No, the mommy prize patrol is what I am referring too.  I have stash.  It consist of hot wheels, stickers, coloring books and dollar tree finds from here, there and everywhere.  It is important to have on hand.  I use this stash as a method to gain control of the household.  Parenting 101- can't beat em' - Bribe em'.  It works when needing to administer medicines, when company is coming and most importantly- I need a minute to get something done.

Now, some may not agree with my methods and when I was childless.. I was one of them.  I was under the impression - kids were to be seen and not heard.  Silly me... I actually believed what the older generation said.  I think however, after further evaluation, they had their own secret stash of wooden trains, slingshots and rabbits feet for an emergency situation with the youngens'.   Judge me if you want.. it makes no difference too me.  I do what I have to do too survive.  It is based on instinct.  No different than carrying bandaids, neo-to-go, wipes and a sippy cup at all times.  It is part of the mommy arsenal.

Why is this fresh on my mind this morning.. well along with the sock demon that has reemerged (see past post if you missed this part of our struggles), I also wanted to paint freckles on Walker's face this morning.  The kids in his class are dressing up as farmers.  Last year he let me when he was Woody for Halloween.  This year he doesn't think it is soooo cool.  But I was determined... so I reached into the stash.  Magically- an army man allowed me to proceed with my child's humiliation.   Harmony is restored and I have ONE CUTE FARMER... check him out!

 So... Who is brave enough to admit they take part in this parenting..ahem...  lack- there-of SKILL?

The Magic Box

Ok- I am not sure if it is JUST my lovely family or if this is an epidemic sweeping America.  I can't be positive that there isn't a medical condition linked to my "half-assitus" others that reside in our humble abode.   What is so serious, you ask?   Well, I'll tell ya...They can not seem to locate or use the laundry hamper.  So after spending an hour in the "laundry room" and cussing to myself over the mess that keeps piling up, I made a decision.  I will take the time to make formal introductions.  I feel, ( sighs loudly) if I do this one at a time rather than in a herd, I have a better chance of success. I will have all their undivided attention in this matter so we can discuss their fears and what is causing the need to be nasty.
The conversations-
Me- Mackenzie!
Kenz- MAM
Me- I need to talk to you, come down here.
Kenz- OK- Just a minute ( me thinking- what could be so important that she would tell me just a minute-  I am the Empress... granted the Empress that is SICK of stepping on Nasty underwear, left in the bathroom after baths.. but I am still the Empress no less)
Me- NOW Kenzie
Kenz- ok- ok- ok... clunks down the steps ( I can't be sure but she could have been imitating an elephant- it was so loud)
Me- Now follow me-  Mackenzie, I would like to introduce you to a modern marvel.  Most call it the Laundry hamper- we will refer to it as the "mommy magic hamper box".   Once you place your clothes in there... MAGIC will happen.  It could take a day or two... but the magic is no less impressive.  The clothes will "hop" out of there into the machines and become April fresh for the next wearing.  ( I open my eyes wide to show how amazing this is- for effect).   IF- YOU CHOSE NOT TO USE THE MAGIC BOX- your clothes will then end up in the floor of YOUR room- so you can step on Nasty underwear.  ( shew- HARSH)
Kenz- stares at me blankly- "so basically, you want me to put the dirty stuff in the hamper after I take a bath or you will throw them in my room?"
Me- Yes
Kenz- Ok and walks off
NOW Walker-
Me-Walker, Do you think you can put your dirty clothes in the "magic hamper box" after you take a bath?
Walker- YES-  ( mmmm that was easy)
I feel satisfied with this effort so far... but I have YET to tame the real beast... He is rebellious by nature. HE will suck every ounce of energy I have in trying to implement the (old) now new again rule.  Do I have it in me today to fight this gnarly beast... NOPE- I sure don't.  SO I will just have to do the following (on the sly of course)...
 The man cave is GROSS... I have had to make sure our children are up to date on all their shots before they can venture down there.... SO.... because it is an abomination... he will NEVER notice that the dirty clothes keep ending up on his floor.  I will allow him to think his manly ways have backfired on him.  He will in turn, bring the clothes up... I will toss them back down.  SOONER or LATER he will figure out the "magic hamper box" on his own.... oh yea- I got his number and I know how to WORK the system.  IF he thinks it is "his idea"... he will abide by the rule.  Happy Washing All!

It Is High Praise! Thanks Charlotte

I like to read.  I like to write.  I like to laugh.  Am I always grammatically correct?  Heaven's NO.    Do I stick commas here, there and everywhere. Yep- I sure do.  Do I get intimidated every time I post an update for fear others will think I am an uneducated Bimbo?  Pretty much. Do I worry I will offend others?  Most of the time (see Bimbo remark).  Do I want others to like my ramblings?  It is high on my list of wants to be perfectly honest.  I write because it makes me happy.  I could stick it all on paper and tuck it away in a shabby, worn out journal...that is an option.  An option that has worked for many, many years.
Why am I telling you this?  Well, because today I was handed a complement.  No, that is an understatement, I was compared to Erma Bombeck.  You realize, that is better than being compared to Mother Theresa.  Well, it is for a mommy blogger, I can promise you that.  Do you know who she is?  She was an American Columnist/Author that found humor in life and made a career off the observations of her family in suburbia.  Her humor was "timeless" because she based it on relationships and everyday aggravations.   Here is a quote from her "What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?"    Sounds like something I would say... doesn't it?
Now, I was not told this "directly".  In my family that is not necessary.  Our grapevine is strong and rather impressive... so I know it is on the up and up.  That said I would like to publicly thank Charlotte...I wish I was better prepared for a thank you speech...(looks from side to side and reaches into bra to pull out a crinkled piece of paper)
Ahem...
Sweet Charlotte,
This is so unexpected.  I can never thank you enough for making me smile and encouraging me to continue on with something I truly love.  Up until a few moments ago, I was having a "kinda" bad day... I woke up and an xl top was tight.  It made me grumpy... but then .... then ... you happened.  I wanted to say... "thanks and you humble me"... I mean , you didn't humble enough to stop writing about how great you think I am... but I think "humbled" comes in levels... ( clears throat mmmhmmm) ...Don't you?   ( giggle).
All kidding aside... Thank you Charlotte...(and your check is in the mail..)

Everybody Wants...

So this day has been a day full of  "I wants".  NOT little "I wants" ....the motherload "I wants". ... First, it was Walker.  He feels he needs a "baby sista"... I tried to explain to him that is not the greatest idea and she would take his toys. (Toys are pretty sacred when your three- I figured it would work)  He continued to say.. "put ones in your tummy, yike Tyler's mommy".  Ok- I am going to stick to my original response.. uh "no thanks- do you really want to share your cool toys with someone that will chew on them?".  He doesn't give up ( my kid is no quitter)- "It would be so gweat! I could give hers milk in a bottle.  I would yet her sweep wiff me and hers would yike the cwone wars ( ahem- clone wars). Can we have one?"  I am sticking to my guns.. "No Walker".  He continues so I give up and say " Ask your daddy"?  He is good with this answer.  He drops it and we continue to color the masterpiece we were working on before he decided to knock the wind out of my sails.
Time ticks and I am cooking dinner, in walks the husband.
He begins.."You know, didn't you like the hummer we saw?" (immediately I think he is being CRUDE, so I crinkle up my nose and turn away from him- landsakes! What is he talking about?)  Then I realize he is serious and he has his eye on a NEW CAR.  Here we go again,  I respond  "ummm no".  He continues "I could clean out my side of the garage and pull my truck in there- then we could park the Hummer in the Trucks spot".   ( I refuse to get mad- BUT ARE YOU FREAKIN' Kidding me- I just gave UP my car for the greater good and this bozo wants to buy an overpriced Army Vehicle that drinks oceans of gas)   I finally say " no thanks".  ( I feel like I just had a similar conversation with another male in this family not too long ago) I breath- and breath again.. He starts to talk about it a little more... I ask "why do you need three cars?"  He continues his sells pitch... ( I have allowed my mind to wonder to a field of lovely lilies and butterflies)  THEN Walker chimes in.. "daddy- I wants a baby sista".  ** Mackenzie turns around in horror!** Amazing how that little ( HUGE) request changed the subject in record time... thanks Walker- I owe you a hot wheels.

3-1=2

The math is simple.  We learned it in kindergarten, Three minus one equals two.  I however, had no idea how this simple problem could make the husband so very happy and enlightened.
Here is the story:
This past weekend the husband said "I don't think we need three cars.  I am going to sell mine."  Well, I could not agree more.  We do not need three cars.  The conversation was dropped for a few hours and then I got to thinking.  My mommy wagon is the one that needs to go.  Over the past month or so it has been falling apart, little by little.  The side mirrors are drooping, the right blinker works when it wants too, the breaks squeak, the steering is a fight, just small stuff for the most part but the writing is on the wall.  It will be a Money Pit in our future. Not to mention, it is an open argument for me and the husband- example given:
Me- Hey, it's me
The Husband- Hey me
Me- Just wanted to tell you my car is "clunking" before I forget to say something.
The Husband- What do you mean "clunking"?
Me- I don't know "clunking".
The Husband- Well, you have to tell me what you think it is.
Me- If I knew what it was, I would fix it or tell you.
The Husband- ( sighing- loudly)- I will drive it when I get home.
** That evening he drives the car and is gone for several minutes**
The husband-  I didn't hear a problem
Me- Well, It has one.
The husband- I listened and there is NO knocking.
Me- Of course there is no knocking.. I said it was "clunking"...
BOTH SIGH and he turns to leave the room.
This is my exhibit A.  Fights in the future surround the mommy wagon.
Back to this past weekend-
I told him if a car should go, I will put mine on the chopping block.  We talked about it and it made sense.  Mine was the oldest, had the most miles and because it was a "certain" make it would bring in the most money.  The husband then offered up his car as well.  He said "if you see something on the lot- we can get a quote for mine, trade them both in and get a NEW car".  Ok, that sounds tempting- very, tempting.
Fast forward to Monday morning-
We drive our cars to a local car mart and start to browse.  Honestly, I could not see anything that was worth the extra expense when his car is a large sedan and more importantly, it is PAID for.   I told him this and he acted all "cool" about it.  We sold my car and headed home.  We chatted about how it was the right decision.
It was time to pick up the little dude (side note- if you continuously call a 3 year old the "little dude" out of habit, he will in turn call you the "little mommy".. isn't that charming?  roll eyes).  The husband headed downtown to get some work done.  
A few hours later, he called.  He was elated because in addition to the check from car mart, we would be getting a refund from the insurance company and MOVING forward we would save about 500 bucks each year for dumping the mommy wagon.  I agreed that is "great" news.
Last night-
The husband came home a little late, but he was still in a peppy mood.  His first comment  and I quote "My wife is genius".  ( mmmm its a trick- tread lightly woman)  He continued to say that I was the topic of conversation with all the men folk today.  Obviously, I am a captivating and fascinating creature now.  It appears to is hard to believe that I would leave a car lot with a check instead of giving them one.   Really?  Common Sense can make you a mythical creature in the eyes of men when it comes to putting money in their pockets.  I just thought I was saving the "family" a buck by driving an existing vehicle.  Well, Whatever it takes to prove my point. The husband now understand and believes what I have been trying to tell him for over seven years - I am a genius.  My work here is done.

Random Ramblings and Rocking On A Paper Guitar

So It has occurred to me that I am way behind on my Holiday planning.. I realize it is October, but I like to have it DONE by now.. or almost done.  There is something so satisfying about decorating the tree and having all your goodies, wrapped and ready to place beautifully under the glorious tree.  It is so freeing- you can actually enjoy the holidays without the worry of having to "GET ER' DONE".
So over the past three days, since Walker wanted to go to preschool.. I made a decision to start the punch list, hit the punch list and pull out the 75% off wrapping paper I picked up in January to make it happen.   My first stop, Walmart of course... I am NOT a fan of the retail giant.. but when buying in "bulk"... it has its place.  Mackenzie is my difficult child to buy for.. she doesn't like dolls ( I KNOW-the heart break is continuous with children).  I wandered up and down the toy aisles... searching for something she might actually play with... NOTHING... NOTHING... and NOTHING.  OH dude.. my worst fear- she has really outgrown this section.  Then it happened, good ol' DENIAL!  I picked up a barbie... a fashion barbie..not a bratz.  I do not allow hooker toys in this house.  It's the rule.  I placed the Barbie in the top part of the cart.. this is my "possible" section, not to be confused with the large bottom section that is the "the husband is going to be mad" section.   I strolled on a little more and stopped short at an item they were trying to PASS off as a
 lovable baby doll....  WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?


  Well, I'll tell ya.  Apparently, they are part of the new Mattel collection called "Monster High".  Now, I am a huge fan of Vampires and the super natural.. don't get me wrong (Team Edward over here) but I am having a hard time figuring out how this could be anything less than down right scary. ( dramatic pause inserted here) Think about it-  in the middle of the night ,when a little girl looks over and sees those buttons where eyes should be, glaring at her. Puts a new spin on monsters under your bed. Your thoughts?  Here's mine (drum roll please)
 I guess ghouls just want to have fun too... (thank you , thank you ** takes a bow**)
Anyways... I shook off that horror and found paper guitars.  Yes, paper guitars.  I have glanced at them before and thought they were about the dumbest thing I have ever seen... but this time wally world had a demo set up.  Now, it is the middle of the week... it's not crowded.  Nobody in the toys... YEP- I rocked out.  FUN FUN FUN!    It is quite possible two made it into the large portion of the cart.  I can not confirm or deny this statement because I have stool pigeons in this family that tend to sing like canaries... innocently  (sighs) is the consensus among the majority of us.. ( yea - sure- ocean front property yada yada ) My pigeon might also allow Mackenzie to read today's post.  I can't be too careful.  This is TSS- top secret stuff.
Side note: it really stinks when kids can read and spell- It sure can cut out a lot of interaction between me and the husband. For example- I might be talking to him and say "so I was at Publix today and this woman behind me was huffing and a puffing when she saw my stack of coupons-now you know me husband, I asked her if she was in labor or just a big * I T C H"  - *itch is the word I would have spelled... see, I know that is just plain UGLY and uncalled for.  I don't spell anymore and I try to think kindly of all people having a bad day except when I am having a bad day.. then it is what it is and everything is fair game. All these changes were required because the eldest can spell and read.  Yea, its the pits. ahem... No need to add lipstick to this pig.
So did I get a jump on Christmas shopping?  You bet, I am over half way done!  I punched the list... and I care NOT to go in another store for at least 48 hours... That my friends is HUGE!

Holy Moly- I've Got Swag

 How COOL is this?
Now first let me say, when I opened the front door today I did the pee pee dance when I saw the box.    I knew what was in it ( giggling with excitement) - It was my SWAG and it was CHEAP!    Need a business card, I got it covered.  Having a bad hair day?  I have a hat.   Do your keys need a cute accessory?  I got a keychain.  Need to make a quick note of what coupons I need to print?  I got a notepad.  Need something to write it down with?  I got a pen.  Need to carry all your self promoting, shameless swag around?  I got a tote.  Want to walk around pimping your own website? I got a shirt.
I know, it is a bit much.  I am small time.  I am a mommy blogger.  I wipe boogas and keep dishpan hands.    That is why it is SOOOO freakin' awesome!  ( still grinning)
Why? See I love a deal.  I also love a deal when there is humor and self indulgence as a bonus.
Here is the story:
One day last week, ( quick service -huh?) I was reading some of my deal hunter blogs.  One of the girls posted this company that obviously likes to give things away for FREE and as best I can tell they have no issue with it.  Crazy?  ummm I thought so, but WHO am I to judge crazy.  I sat down and picked me out a housewife logo and played with the print.  I thought I was just getting business cards, but since I am a computer genius ahem... I started poking around and there was all kinds of goodies ripe for the picking.  So I picked the low hanging fruit, added a few things to offset the shipping and 20 bucks later while honestly holding my breath over this too good to be true offer ... I got a BOX full of goodies.  Now did I "need" to spend the $20 dollars?  No, of course not, but I gotta tell ya... this little brown box has made my day.  I will also tell ya this, if I can figure out a way to produce more with nominal fees- my children will be walking advertisements...

Breaking The Law...Yes, Again!

So the whole Columbus, extended weekend, fall break whatever you want to call it could NOT have come at a worse time.  I have felt bad for about 4 days.  I know it is just a cold... you know the type, one side of your nose stopped up- the other a clear water stream.  IT brings along its friends, low grade fever and headache.  As most of you know, moms, do not get to be sick.  We can not lay up on the couch or curl up in a chair for any length of time.  It is Impossible.  So being the martyrs that we are we push forward to take care of our homes and children.
When I woke up this morning, I decided I have dedicated the last two days to ensure my kids were entertained and happy.  We went to Build-A-Nightmare, and yesterday I allowed them to add a new feature called "sticky" to my entire kitchen... TODAY, is a new day... ( mysterious music inserted here)... Today, they are going to become shiftshapers and morph into my minions... they are going to CLEAN.  YES- I know, it is a brave, new concept.     One I have tinkered with a few times in the past, but never put into full implementation mode.  Now, some of you may not know, that in my past life.. when I was a well groomed professional that actually had a vocabulary outside of " NO, I Said So, Get down from there, I am going to count too three, and the most important one of all- Mommy Loves you So Much" I was a project manager for a large financial institution.  ( close your mouth, didn't your mom tell you bugs will fly in there- plus it is rude)  There is no need to be shocked.  I was actually pretty good at my job- so it is time to put those rusty skills into action.  The playground is closed, we have to clean up the wreckage that Columbus left in our humble abode.  Down to business..
The plan-
Mackenzie is older but she suffers from "half-assitus" ( yes, another word I coined because I saw the necessity for it)-  I will start her off slowly and then place the larger work tools in her possession.  Lysol wipes are great... they will ease her into the "sanitary mode" and a monkey could use them and get it right.  If all goes well, and I can promise you it WILL... we will move onto taking dirty sheets off the bed and **replacing them with clean ones**... It's a stretch- but I am in PM mode.  I will let the journey dictate our next goals.
Now Walker is game for anything.. he is the perfect little minion- the problem is, he can't see the counter tops, reach the sinks and the mop can over power him.  I will put him on "toys" go in my bins duty... then promote him to lower window duty.
Yes, Child Labor is against the law.  I get it... but so is running a person into the ground and expecting them to keep smiling like a moron or if its not, it should be.  So for all the mommies out there, I am righting a few wrongs.  I am getting a little help around here today... I am demanding a little slice of justice for all the "clean" clothes that were put in the dirty clothes hamper because the "half-assitus" afflicted ones  didn't want to hang it back up!
Pass judgement if you must... but at some point in our mommy lives we have to realize the visions of rainbows, fairies and alcohol that tastes good, are just that -VISIONS!  ( rolls eyes)

Hook, Line and Sinker

 The newest members of our family- Aubie the Cheering Tiger and Vader the Bear (both make racket- that's a great little feature .. ahem)

The Idea aka The Hook-

So a few weeks ago the husband sent me an email stating that Build-A-Bear is promoting the Star Wars/ Clone Wars with little cutesy outfits for their overpriced bears... Now, Walker and I both love Star Wars... and the idea of having a bear dressed like Darth Vader or C3P0 is about as grand as a Hershey Bar with a diamond wrapper.. WOW..  can't contain yourself excitement.     I pulled up the website and did a little investigating of my own... AND there was a coupon available on redplum... Heads up my dears, if you missed it- You just witnessed a reenactment of the HOOK being set.

The Sale's Pitch aka The Line-

The husband was on the porch and I decided to share the idea of a family outing. He is normally agreeable but just in case he needed a push, I felt the need to remind him of how cute Mackenzie was the first time we took her.  Allow me to share-  She was about 3 and she could not understand why I handed her a "flat" bear... she kept pulling down the fluffy bears that were on display.  After a few minutes of me putting the displays back in order and handing her flat bear after flat bear she chunked the bear on the floor stating loudly " THAT BEAR IS DEAD- I don't want it!".... Laughter filled the store... did I mention she was loud and adament that she DID NOT WANT THE DEAD ONE?     ( once again, you just witness another reenactment of my clever sales pitch or LINE) With Walker anything could happen, and the idea of the husband missing it made me sad...It worked.  Family outing anyone?

Now to prepare for such an outing I had to look the part of "Outstanding Mommy"... so I hit the closet.. I decided on unflattering khaki pants, a chambray over sized blouse and brown flip flops.  My accessories were minimal.. headband in the weedeater haircut and diamond studs.  I had the pearls out.. but I didn't want to over state my mommy perfection  (your laughter is hurtful - by the way), so I placed them back in there velveteen pouch for another day.  Yep, looked just like a mom... This was my SUPER SUIT!  I was ready for Family FUN day! June Clever has nothing on me except maybe meatloaf.

Going on a bear hunt aka SINKER-

On the way, the husband asked me if I brought the coupon for Victoria's Secret's free panty offer and my response was... "OH CRAP- I forgot the bear coupon"  -  I hate it when I forget a coupon.. I could have cared less about the not really underwear freebie..it was the bear coupon that sent me reeling.  Shame on me. Might as well throw good money out the window.. UGH!  I had to refocus and let this little "hiccup" go.

As we entered the ginormous, obnoxious mall... I realized once again, my Visions of Peace on Earth were just that.. Visions. ( queue the hectic music)  It was an anthill of people (not as bad as Christmas time mind you- but more than I expected) and they were all in search of the perfect crumb.  I don't do well with crowds on most days.. but since I had on my big girl granny panties ( mom attire)... I forged on for the sake of the children.  I looked over at the husband to draw some sort of strength from him... but he had checked out mentally, he was a goner - there was no help to be found.  *** Woman with a mission-taking charge of the FUN situation***  Time to Get Er' Done!

We found the store with all of its charming appeal. We guided the kids to all of their options and let me say there are plenty of options with all kinds of price tags.  Once the kids made what seemed to be life altering decisions on what to dress them in, it was time to actually BUILD-A-Bear.  The worker (the great OZ) instructed them to kiss a heart and make a wish before they placed it in their bears.  At this point, every mommy impulse was SCREAMING because I am sure my kid's mouths just became a petri dish full of  foreign germs. My now sick kids, stuffed the stinking bears and the husband paid them next months mortgage for this proud new ownership...

Four hours later (giggle) we sat down, as a family unit for LUPPER.... missed lunch and it was close to supper time hence the necessity of the word "Lupper".  During this time, I soon found out they gave us a front row seat to Jersey Shore and Snookie was the main attraction. I wish there was some exaggeration to this comment, but I promise you there is not.  I could not take my eyes off of this train wreck... to prove it was so bad- I had the husband swap seats with me.  I knew he had no apparent issues with trashy women, he is the one that introduced me to this reality show in the first place-so he gladly moved around for  me. Win Win... He had dinner and a show... I got to keep my eyesight.  You know, when her mother gets out of the penitentiary she really needs to discuss her appearance and what is appropriate on a Sunday afternoon.. Just Sayin'  *** that scarred me a little bit*** 

 So, where are the bears you ask innocently? Well, they are laying in the middle of the floor- totally ignored.. ahem- (please stop the banging in my head)

So to sum it up, lets review what we have learned today:

1. Doesn't matter if you look the part of super mommy with your Super Suit, anthills are not affected by your powers.

2 .Overpriced bears are NOT as good as Hershey bars wrapped in diamonds.

3. Coupons do not do you any good if they remain at your house.

4. Dinner with Snookie will give you reflux.

5. Visions are for the criminally insane... Yea, You got my number on this one...

Good Night

Find A Penny..

 

We have all chanted at one point or another.. find a penny pick it up and all day long you will have good luck.  So this begs the question ( exasperated sigh) "What the hell do you reckon' this means?"  can't be good!

Vigilante On The Loose

 It appears at first glance the crime wave is continuing.. BUT that is not the case..
Here is how it went down-
Remember the "criminal" and my crown jewel, the "pillow"...yep!  Well, I might have forgiven the criminal... but something inside me was just restless. There was a churning that I could not ignore.  Others had mentioned that they too had been a victim in this type of senseless crime.  I had to right all the wrongs out there. So I needed a plan.  I decided to contact a few known associates of the criminal aka my mom and the other aunt ( for the purposes of this story we will call her - GLENDA, the good aunt).  Glenda was extremely helpful, she had a spare key.  SCORE!  -  Now I needed to focus, work on my patience.... I had to get this right.  Glenda agreed to leave the key outside her house -hidden of course, in an envelope, under the mat by the backdoor... NOBODY WOULD THINK TO LOOK THERE- (giggle-poor Glenda).
This morning I woke up nervous.    It is V- Day-  no, not Valentines, Vigilante Day.    I got dressed as normal and drove the little guy to school.  It was very important not to differ from my normal schedule, I did not want to tip my hand.    I headed to Glenda's house and found the said "hidden spare key".  NOW, as luck would have it.... the criminal lives about 4 doors down.. I KNOW- Serendipity at its finest.   I made sure I stayed within the legal speed limit for that 3 seconds... no need for undue attention.   I parked as I normally would and hopped out.  I put on my gloves ( fingerprints- uh huh - I thought of everything), and placed the key into the door.. *** dramatic music inserted HERE****  and it opened.  Then bam... I disturbed Cricket, her yappy dog...( note to self- next break in bring dog treats as a precaution).. he knows me but something like this could have destroyed my mission...he was in his crate and he quickly settled down (whew)- Didn't need the nosy neighbors peeking in the windows.  I walked cat like to the bedroom... grabbed the bed pillows and panic struck... WHAT NOW? I am not the criminal here.. she is!    What do I do with them... I dropped the ransom note* on the bed and trotted to the door.  I threw the pillows in the back... hopped in my car (sweating-everything was in slow motion) ...I drove  (under the speed limit this time- for 6 seconds) to Glenda's house and tucked the key safely away under the mat (safe according to Innocent, Good, Aunt Glenda).  I drove away with my heart racing and thinking "I DID IT!  I got her pillows..".  I wish I was a fly on the wall tonight when she reads her ransom note*... but you can't have everything and I got her pillows, it is a much better deal.

( Drum roll please)
*  Said Ransom Note- The original is a typeset of cut letters from a magazine.. shame it would not show up

Criminal,
Action sets off reaction- we all must pay for our crimes. Your punishment-sleep without your favorite pillows. Sounds Easy? Oh NO! It's not... When a lesson has been learned, your pillows will be returned, unharmed- unlike MINE. I have no other demands... except maybe a starbucks frappe... that might be nice!
Sweet Dreams,
The Victim


** Yes- the picture is staged... there is NO way I would drive around Small Town, Alabama with a panty on my head-I would be in a cell, possibly padded at this time.  I just wish the picture had volume.. my kids' reaction was worth a million words.  (and of COURSE, I left the ransom note)
*** I am NOT totally heartless... the criminal has a spare bed... she can use those pillows for a night or TWO- just to get the "feel" for what it is like to sleep with "replacements".... ahem